Entries Tagged 'Couple Sex' ↓

I wanted to write a follow up to Man Myths, a post in which I discuss the gender stereotypes I’ve un-learned about men, with a similar post about woman myths. This proved to be much harder than I expected, and a raging hangover didn’t help.

First of all, there are no many nauseating myths about women, that’s it’s hard to do a “top” list. How do you organize it? Top myths that make it seem okay to pay women less? Top myths that make violence against women tolerable? No. I’m just not up for the sort of bra-burning rage that it would inspire.

Then I found that when I proceeded anyways, my “myths” were a lot more personal – less “woman myths” and more “if you make this assumption about me, I’ll punch you in the balls.” But, like I said in my last post, that’s sort of the point. Every gender norm that I defy is one that many other women out there do, too. I assure you that I’m just not that atypical.

So, despite these challenges, I’ve come up with my 7 things you don’t know about women. If it saves just one man from getting punched in the balls for believing in stupid stereotypes of women, than it will be worth it.

• Women really do like sex. Women like sex, think about sex, and want to have sex, yet this myth persists that women are always withholding, and men have to beg for it. This is the reality: women like sex. Now, if your value and character as a person was measured by whether or not you consented to have sex, you would be a bit confused about your sexuality, too. This is not biologically determined, though; it is definitely man-made.

• Not all women like romantic comedies. Here’s a bit of anec-data for you: the ratio of men to women I know that like rom-coms is 4:1. Ok, so maybe that just means that I know 4 dudes that love romantic comedies (including my husband) and only one woman who does (my sister, ugh). While this may go against gender norms, it makes perfect sense to me. In romantic comedies, the guys get to be losers, dorks, or assholes, but in the end they always get the girl. The woman, on the other hand, gets to sometimes not be really skinny. Boring, yes, but it suggests that these movies are made for men, really.

• Women do need you to find the clit. This isn’t some bullshit to make female orgasms more complicated; it’s quite simple. The clit is the female penis. I’ve cited the stats about the female orgasm before, so I’m not going to get into numbers here. Just know that intercourse in most positions does very little to stimulate the clit, ergo it needs to be touched, licked, sucked, vibrated, etc. for most women to orgasm.

• Women are not turned on by cars and money. Unless you’ve got a pic of Brad Pitt naked in your wallet, there is nothing in there that is going to turn me on. Cars? Seriously, I wouldn’t be able to identify a nice car if it ran me over and I had to fill out a police report. Are there some women out there who care about these things? Sure, they suck, and there’s a few in every bunch, but the women I know don’t roll like that.

• Women don’t always want to “make love.” I’ll admit it – I’m a sucker for romance, foreplay, and long lovemaking sessions that take up the afternoon. But not always. Sometimes I just want a quickie, and frankly resent when I need to involve a guy at all when I can probably take care of things better and faster myself.

• Women grow body hair. Women, like men, grow hair on their bodies. Now, we all have different thresholds as to how long we grow it before we do or do not decide to remove it, but if you are ever going to be intimate with a woman on a long-term basis, there will be a time when she is unshaven. Get over it.

• Women can be as dirty as men. You can take this one however you want - whether it’s that a woman can do tequila shots until she passes out in her vomit, eat hot dogs using pizza slices as the bun, or ask to be spanked during some kinky sex. Just don’t buy into the assumption that all women are prim and proper and repressed, or you’ll be in for a fart-ripping surprise.

There are plenty of other things you don’t know about women (or men, for that matter), but the great part is that you get to learn a lot from the people you meet, date, and love, assuming you’re not so narrow-minded. Not to end sounding like a PSA, but gender stereotypes hurt us all (this is your brain on gender norms - any questions?).  Maybe we’re not all completely unique like snowflakes, but I don’t think we’re as predictable and boring as the stereotypes we create for each other, either.

With all the talk of change this political season, in addition to some changes in my personal life, it got me wondering – how does change affect your sex life?

As I talked about the other day, studies show that changing hair color for women, regardless of the shade, elevates mood and increases confidence. I have long suspected that little, positive changes – like new hair color or new lingerie – do indeed have a positive effect on one’s sex drive. The changes are safe and life-affirming, and thus make one feel more happy, confident, and sexually attractive.

But what about the big changes – like a new job, new house, new president? For me, they tend to be exciting and energizing, even if they’re a little anxiety-provoking, so I think it does give my sex life a jolt. A new house? Great, think of all those new rooms to have sex in. A new job? Exciting, a break from the norm and the promise of meeting new people. For others, I’m sure radical change is a bit more scary and stressful, which can hamper mood and sex drive.

I turned to Google for my answers, and found Dr. Trina. Dr. Trina confirmed much of what I experienced; namely, that little positive changes improve sex lives, while bigger, life-altering changes can have a negative effect. She suggests that couples work on communication above all else in order to ride the ebbs of flows of your couple sex life.

How have these times of change affected your sex life? Share a comment below.

While people can bicker about what sex is and what sexual activities “count”, for many couples it ends up meaning one thing – intercourse. I don’t know if it’s due to ease or convenience or if couples just perceive it to be the ultimate act, but intercourse usually gets billed as the main event. But it doesn’t have to be. Sex can encompass all kinds of sexual activities, making your intimate moments more diverse, playful, and fun. One of the ways to recapture that playful sexual spirit is to bring a youthful curiosity and sense of experimentation back to your sex life. Remember all the excitement and promise that getting up someone’s shirt or down someone’s pants used to hold? You can have that again just by remembering all the bases.

Handplay gets a bad rap as being awkward or difficult, which is a shame because handjobs and fingering can be quite fun. Sure, your partner may have some expertise in getting themselves off manually, but that just makes them perfect teachers.

Oral sex, too, often becomes reserved for special occasions, perhaps because some think it’s degrading or hard work. Blowjobs shouldn’t be saved for birthdays and anniversaries, however. Blowjobs can be a part of any sex play, and even be the main event. Ditto for cunnilingus. Eating a woman out is often the most pleasurable activity, and often the only way many women orgasm.

So if you find that you’ve gotten into a sex rut, try to mix it up by taking intercourse out of the picture. Here are three things to try with your partner to be more sexually playful:

High School Make-out. High School Musical is all the rage, so perhaps it’s time to revive high school make-out sessions as well. Just make-out with your partner on the couch, in the car, at a bar, wherever you can get your hands on each other. That’s it. It’s a huge turn-on and a great reminder that there is sex life beyond intercourse.

Hand Jive. The next time you start to get down with your mate, start a game that anything goes – as long as it’s with your hands. Get creative with touch, and practice getting each other off with your hands.

Oral Delight. If you’re more the oral type, try a session of exploring each other with your mouths only. And don’t just move from the head down to the toes, but mix it up. Go down on your partner for a bit, and then go back to kissing her neck, back, and thighs.

I hope your recess from intercourse is full of fun!

For anyone who has fantasized about a sexual role play experience, but hasn’t quite figured out how to actualize it, Halloween might just be the right excuse. Sexual role play is a fun way for couples to experiment with identity and break from their sexual norms. While sexual role play can be as simple as pretending to be someone else or as elaborate as full costumes and scenes, getting started is often the hardest part. That’s because it can be hard for both partners to surrender to the moment and not feel a little silly. So for couples who have wanted to experiment, but felt silly or awkward about trying to role play, Halloween is the perfect cover-up to give it a go.

Ground Rules for Sexual Role Play
Don’t just buy your partner a cheerleader costume and hope for the best. There are a few steps you can take to lay the groundwork to make the whole evening a lot less, er, scary.

• Initiate a conversation. Talk to your partner about your curiosities of sexual role play. Be sure to frame it as an exciting addition to your sex life, rather than a way to make up for a deficit or dissatisfaction. Explain why it would be fun to try for you.

• Get into character. Talk about what scenarios and characters are erotic for each of you. Get an idea of what you’re each into, and decide who you are going to be. Once you’ve picked out a “character,” spend some time alone imagining yourself in that role. Why do you want to assume that role? How will you act it act out? Picturing yourself in your role beforehand will make it easier when you actually start the role play.

• Set up ground rules. What are the boundaries and ground rules for your play? Decide together what you’re both comfortable with and commit to those terms. Come up with a safe word that can be used if someone gets uncomfortable in the scenario. In the heat of the moment, “no” can be confused as part of the scene, so pick something that can’t be misunderstood.

Once you’ve had a good talk (or several) with your partner and have established some ground rules, then the Halloween planning can begin. This is when the real fun begins, when you can start getting your costumes together. Some fairly common scenarios include: teacher/student, doctor/patient, cop/prisoner, athlete/cheerleader, and boss/secretary. The best part about using Halloween to experiment is that your role play can begin early, perhaps while out at a party or while handing out candy, and build to the actual bedroom (or any other room) scenario.

If your honey has a porn habit that is driving you crazy, put down the weapon and read on. It’s a common frustration for some women to have partners that are really into porn. Many women feel threatened when their man is into looking at other women naked, which is perfectly normal. However, that frustration can destroy your relationship if you don’t come to an understanding about your man and his love for porn. If you have an otherwise healthy sex life, then you really don’t have much to worry about. People in loving, sexual relationships are still entitled to personal sex and fantasy lives.

If the great porn debate is still raging in your home, you can work with your partner to come to a cease-fire. The best course of action is twofold:

1. Ask yourself . . . Before you attack him for his “dirty” porn habits, really be honest with yourself and try to figure out why it makes you mad. What is it about porn that bothers you? Is it jealousy? Is it a sense of lost control? Is it because you think porn is degrading or unrealistic? Answer these questions for yourself and understand your discomfort. The better you understand why porn bothers you, the better able you’ll be able to explain your feelings to him.

2. Talk to him . . . Rather than getting upset and going on offense, explain to him why porn bothers you. Use “I” statements like, “When you look at porn, I feel like I don’t satisfy you sexually.” After you give your side, let him explain to you why he likes it without having to get defensive. If you make it okay for both of you to share your feelings, you’ll probably find that porn is a lot less threatening than it seems, and you both just need to be able to talk about it.

Other Tips for Women Who Dislike Porn

• Play the therapist, not the detective. Don’t go snooping around. Do not try to “catch” him with a porn stash. You’ll only appear crazy, and erode the trust in your relationship further. Instead, take on the role of a therapist, and ask him a lot of open-ended questions. You’ll get a better understanding of why he likes porn, and you’ll keep your trust intact.

• Create your own. If you don’t like him looking at other women naked, then make your own porn together. You can either take pictures or video. You can even splurge and go to a photographer that specializes in boudoir pics. Make sure, of course, that before you proceed you are in a trusted situation in which the “home video” won’t end up in the wrong hands.

• Turn the tables on yourself. Push yourself to be a little more accepting. Part of being in a relationship is learning about and accepting someone who isn’t exactly like you.

• Accept that porn is part of the equation - negotiate how. The fact is that if your guy is into porn, no matter what he says, he will go back to it. Accept that porn is something he likes on his own and that doesn’t have anything to do with you. While you will not likely succeed in getting him to never look at porn again, you can ask that there be guidelines you both respect. For example, you might agree that he only looks at porn when you’re not home, or that he is extra careful in hiding his porn habits so you don’t have to think about it.

What side are you on in the porn debate? Leave a comment or a tip on how you’ve been able deal with porn in your relationship.