I missed the Grammy’s last night since I don’t have cable, so I decided to make some up music awards all on my own. In honor of Valentine’s Day this week, I’ve come up with some sexy, romantic, and rocking tunes to get your groove on to.
And the award goes to . . .
Best Overall Sex Song for Hipsters: Sex is on Fire, Kings of Leon. Lyrics like, “If it’s not forever, if it’s just tonight/ Oh, it’s still the greatest,” make this the perfect all-occasion sex song. You can play it for a lover, play it for a fling, or play it to the partner you think gave you chlamydia (er, your sex is on FIRE).
Best Determined Unrequited Love(r) Song: I Will Possess Your Heart, Death Cab for Cutie. If stalking is at the top of your Valentine’s Day plans, then this tune is perfect for you. Gibbard sings, “You reject my advances and desperate pleas/ I won’t let you let me down so easily” with such tenderness, it’s almost not creepy.
Best Sex with Lava Lamp On Song: Electric Feel, MGMT. This trippy, poppy track can make you want to f*ck and dance at the same time. I suggest you start stripping when you get to the line, “Standing there with nothing on/ she gonna teach me how to swim.”
Best Booty Call from the Club Song: Lollipop, Lil Wayne. This song is great for grinding in the club, or for groups of girls to dance suggestively to while fellating their beer bottles. Either way, this groove could pave the way for a booty call or extra lover on the side. Just remember, “Call me so I can make it juicy fo ya.”
Best Stranded On An Island Song: I’m Yours, Jason Mraz. While this genre isn’t exactly my cup of tea, I would totally listen to this song if my Valentine’s Day plans included a getaway to the Caribbean. Imagine relaxing in the sun on the beach with your lover, margaritas in hand, and hearing “Scooch on over closer dear/ And I will nibble your ear.” That’ll do.
The first time I engaged in serious debate about what song was the sexiest, I was in 8th grade, the year was 1992, and I hadn’t even had my first kiss yet. That did not stop this scrappy city girl from fighting with her new suburban hippy friend about the merits of L.L. Cool J’s “Doin’ It”. My friend, in return, made a passionate argument for Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.” Our friendship did not last into high school, but she did persuade me to expand my musical horizons, and soon my sexual fantasies went to the tune of Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” or Oasis’s “Wonderwall”.
Now that both my musical and sexual repertoires have matured, the best sex song debate is more complicated than ever. But it’s still fun to argue about, given the symbiotic relationship between music and sex. Clearly, each makes the other a little better. I’ve listed my favorite songs for every mood and situation below.
Best Sex like in the Movies Song – Into The Mystic, Van Morrison. If you want to make love in the middle of the day, with sunlight kissing your skin and Johnny Depp caressing your face, then this is the category for you. Movie sex, for those of you still trying to figure out what I’m talking about, is that beautiful, transcendent, tender kind of lovin’ that is cinematic in quality. Also consider: The Dirty Three, Neutral Milk Hotel, The Rachels, Postal Service.
Best Making Love Til the Morning Light Song – How Does It Feel, D’Angelo. This song is sexy, and it seems to last forever - just the way I like my booty. Also try: Al Green, Nina Simone, Marvin Gaye, L.L. Cool J.
Most Classic Sex Song – Wild Horses, Rolling Stones. This category is tough, because there is some steep competition, so just go ahead and make the canonical sex mix including: Dylan’s “Lay, Lady, Lay”, The Beatles “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)”, The Band’s “The Weight”. Soon to join the ranks in this group: Jeff Buckley, Ray LaMontagne.
Best One Night Stand Song – Leif Erikson, Interpol. I don’t know if it’s the apathetic and isolated sound of Interpol, or the fact that I would totally have meaningless sex with the hot bartender at the bar with this song on the jukebox, but this song is my top one-night stand jam. Other choices: Editors, Built to Spill, Arcade Fire.
Best Sex with Your Clothes On Song – My Love, Justin Timberlake. Yep, this category is about songs that make you think about sex even when you’re just at the club with your friends. Others in this group: Prince, Lovemakers, Peaches, pre-pedophile Michael Jackson (Think “Rock With You”).
Best Animalistic Fucking Song – Closer, NIN. I know, obvious, but the chorus is “I want to fuck you like an animal,” so . . . When you want it raw: Tool, Depeche Mode.
