Entries Tagged 'Sexiness and Attraction' ↓

Have you ever been insecure about your body in a sexual situation?

Veronica: For sure! I found that I get really insecure with people that I’m really into; I want them to think the best of me. For those “one-night-stands,” I found that I was more confident, probably because I ultimately didn’t care what the other person was going to think of me.

Doug: Never insecure - I  realized that I was overweight, but just didn’t cared.

Tara: Of course I have! What girl hasn’t? I recently realized that I actually have a harder time orgasming when I’m with a man who is super hot because I feel that he may be concentrating on my flaws rather than enjoying the moment.

How affected are you by standards of beauty in the media?

Veronica: Well, I’ve never been a tiny girl, so I often wonder what it’s like to be super-model skinny; but the reality is that I’m big and curvy and will always be big and curvy!

Doug: Very, though I think the media is equally affected by me. if they put up a girl who they want to be hot, but isn’t hot, I ain’t watching.

Tara: Honestly, not very. I was told yesterday that a guy I met over the weekend said I look better in photos. While most girls would be hurt by this, I know that he saw modeling photos of me that have been airbrushed or touched up that I’m also wearing make-up in, which is not something I wear day to day. I know that those girls in the magazines are just like me and all have their flaws, mainly because I’ve seen the retouching process first-hand.

What’s your sexiest body part?

Veronica: My mind. It can stimulate every body part without having to touch a thing.

Doug: My arms, but it’s sorta the best of the worst.

Tara: I would have to say my belly button. I have an outie and I grew up hating it because it was different, but now I embrace it for the same reason.

Image courtesy of Brent Weichsel used under Creative Commons.

What is sexy to you?

Tara: To me, personality is the sexiest thing about a person. The hottest guy in the world could be interested in me, but if he doesn’t have anything going on in the personality department, I won’t be interested in him for long.

Savannah: Sexy to me is confidence, not arrogance.  It doesn’t mean you have to like everything about your body, just be confident in who you are.  I also think it is sexy to leave something to the imagination.  Don’t go out trying to display everything you’ve got, display just enough to get someone interested in what the rest might be.

Jason: When someone is comfortable in their own skin – that is sexy. When someone tries too hard to be “sexy,” in a generic way, it’s just boring. But when people are good at being themselves … it’s just obvious and really attractive.

What physical trait do you notice first?

Tara: The physical trait I notice first would have to be teeth, hands down. Call me shallow, but he HAS to have nice teeth.

Savannah: The first trait I look for is a person’s eyes.  Eyes are truly the window to the soul, and they tell you so much.  If I am just at the mall, usually with guys I notice their hair…..I’m a sucker for guys with long hair.  With women, it is the curve of the hips.  I think having that little curve from the waist to the hips is extremely sexy.

Jason: I’m a tits and ass kind of guy, so I tend to notice a woman’s shape first. I like curves, like the classical figures of women in art.

What personality trait is the biggest turn on?

Tara: The personality trait that I think is the biggest turn on is wit. If you can crack a joke about me, and then turn around and make a joke about yourself, and laugh while doing it, you’re going to keep me interested for a very long time.

Savannah: As for personality trait, I find decisive people very sexy.  I like a person who can keep up with the conversation, even if it isn’t necessarily something they want to talk about.  I also like a person who can teach me something and isn’t afraid to let me know if I am wrong.

Jason: I kind of like bitchy women. If a woman is sarcastic, confident, and maybe a little  hard to get, it piques my interest. I like the challenge of trying to win her over.

Tara is a twenty-something writer and student living in Pennsylvania.

Savannah is Whoopie School’s lifestyle writer who has been swinging for over 4 years.

Jason is co-founder of Whoopie School and infrequent blogger.

Bonnie Zylbergold’s article on genital beautification is only one of the many I’ve read recently on the growing popularity of female genital consmetic procedures. More and more women are getting female genital cosmetic surgeries, procedures like labiaplasty and vaginoplasty (or “vaginal rejuvenation”), often because they don’t feel that their genitals are “normal” in appearance.

Zylbergold’s article suggests that women are largely ignorant to what “normal” female genitalia look like, and are seeking surgery unnecessarily.

… There is a huge lack of knowledge surrounding genital diversity for women. Women who have nose jobs or breast enlargements have a huge pool of comparison to draw from. They’ve seen probably thousands of noses every day, and even though we maybe don’t [often] see naked breasts, we certainly know what breasts look like.

Exactly! While I’m not a huge fan of cosmetic surgery in the first place, at least those electing to get a nose job have a lifetime of other noses to compare against, probably from a fairly diverse pool of people of different ages, genders, and ethnicities. In contrast, few women ever talk about the particulars of their vulvas, nevermind see female genitals beyond their own. The notion that someone does not have a normal vulva is based on very little actual information, other than the persistent messaging that something is wrong with female bodies.

The go-to advice for every problem, whether it’s related to dating or job hunting or sex, seems to be “be more confident!” This is sound advice, except . . . WTF does it mean? We all have images of confidence, and would probably agree that there’s a quality of power and attraction that comes with along with it, but it’s sort of ephemeral at the same time, right?

So how do you be more confident? Well, I think when most people try to do it, they do so by imitation. They mimic the idea they have of confidence rather than actually become confident. Maybe your picture of confidence is loud guy in suit with firm handshake. There’s nothing wrong with loud guy, but if you’re dorky, quiet guy, trying to be loud guy might not translate well. Ditto for women. If you think a confident woman is the bawdy, sexually available blonde bombshell, and you’re mousy, dark-humor girl, well . . .  Trying out different personas is great if it helps you find your your own way of being confident, but pure imitation doesn’t add much value. Fake confidence doesn’t bring any more happiness, no matter how successfully you pull it off.

Loud guy and bombshell aren’t the only types of people who are successful, get laid, and fall in love. Think of all the quiet confident people you’ve come across before. I’ve been blown away by all kinds of self-possessed, comfortable people. The kind where at first you might be like, “no, he’s not as attractive as me” or “no, she’s not as smart as me” and then, “yup, you’re definitely more confident, and owning me right now.” I love when people surprise me in that way, all by being damn good at being themselves.

Oh, right, since this is a sex blog, I guess I’ll get to my point. I’ve talked about sexual confidence before, and realize that that might be meaningless without definition. So, to me, sexual confidence is about knowing who you are and having the courage to be yourself sexually by respecting your desires and boundaries, indulging in your fantasies, and celebrating the pleasure your body can bring. To achieve that kind of sexual confidence, for reals, I think there are two simple, yet difficult, steps:

• Know thyself. Put down the Cosmo or the Maxim mag, and really think about what you think is sexy. Assess your best features, emotional, intellectual, and physical. Mine your sexual fantasies for insight into what turns you on. Explore your body for clues into what you like physically. Evaluate your boundaries and grip firmly to the ones you believe in (i.e. - I will always have safe sex) and challenge the ones you think are artificial (i.e. - maybe anal play doesn’t make me gay). While you can never really separate “you” from the varying influences that have shaped you, you can start to identify what beliefs or values don’t enhance your life and make you feel good about who you are. Sexual confidence is rooted in understanding yourself.

• Play to your strengths. Once you’ve got yourself all figured out (ha!), now it’s time to feature the best parts of you. If you know what makes you sexy, what turns you on, and what you like, others will pick up on that vibe. Don’t worry if you don’t fit the stereotypical definition of sexy, be yourself and you will draw people that are into you. Authenticity functions like a magnet; sexual confidence is about being you.

I read an interview this morning with a message worth reiterating, a million times over: you should feel good naked. The interview was with author Laure Redmond, who wrote “Feel Good Naked,” and the interview focuses on why women should enjoy their bodies as they are.  She says:

I just want women to feel good about their bodies so they can feel good about themselves — because when a woman feels good naked, it shows. She has an allure that comes through in the way she moves or talks or laughs. Her confidence isn’t rooted in her clothing size or facial features but in her attitude — fun, delightful, free.

The interview highlights the myriad of benefits to accepting and loving one’s body, including more confidence, a better sex life, a healthier relationship with food, and generally being more kind.

Did I mention a better sex life? Because sex is largely about feeling good naked, and that pleasure isn’t simply physiologically derived; it comes from feeling good about yourself and sharing who you are with someone who is equally crazy about you.

The article made me think of my mother, who wished that she had enjoyed her body more, “back when she was thin.” After nearly a lifetime of self-hatred, filled instead with every diet trend that occurred in the past 30 years, the real regret was that she spent so much time thinking she was fat, when in fact she would never be thinner. I also thought of numerous women I’ve known, all of them thin, who spend so much time agonizing about their weight and uncomfortable in their own skin. I try to remind myself of this whenever I succumb to body image insecurities. I don’t want to lose time to self-hatred.

One very thin woman said the other day, “My husband wants me to gain 10 pounds, but I think I need to lose 10 pounds.” Women have so bought into the notion that being thin is important, that the why is totally unclear at this point. One of the anecdotes in the article illustrates just how much value we place on being thin:

It’s the distorted sense that looks are everything. And women who view each other this way do a disservice to us all. When my sister and her husband were in the process of separating, at least two acquaintances reacted by telling her, in disbelief, “But you’re skinny!” — as if her physique should have cushioned her from heartache.

Asking yourself if you feel good naked is such an interesting barometer for self-image, because it’s not about if you are thin, fat, healthy, or fit. It is simply about if you can enjoy yourself in your most natural form. The alternative, of course, is spending the finite time you have hating yourself, or only valuing what you look like. I’ll take the former, and walk around naked.