The Great Porn Debate

If your honey has a porn habit that is driving you crazy, put down the weapon and read on. It’s a common frustration for some women to have partners that are really into porn. Many women feel threatened when their man is into looking at other women naked, which is perfectly normal. However, that frustration can destroy your relationship if you don’t come to an understanding about your man and his love for porn. If you have an otherwise healthy sex life, then you really don’t have much to worry about. People in loving, sexual relationships are still entitled to personal sex and fantasy lives.

If the great porn debate is still raging in your home, you can work with your partner to come to a cease-fire. The best course of action is twofold:

1. Ask yourself . . . Before you attack him for his “dirty” porn habits, really be honest with yourself and try to figure out why it makes you mad. What is it about porn that bothers you? Is it jealousy? Is it a sense of lost control? Is it because you think porn is degrading or unrealistic? Answer these questions for yourself and understand your discomfort. The better you understand why porn bothers you, the better able you’ll be able to explain your feelings to him.

2. Talk to him . . . Rather than getting upset and going on offense, explain to him why porn bothers you. Use “I” statements like, “When you look at porn, I feel like I don’t satisfy you sexually.” After you give your side, let him explain to you why he likes it without having to get defensive. If you make it okay for both of you to share your feelings, you’ll probably find that porn is a lot less threatening than it seems, and you both just need to be able to talk about it.

Other Tips for Women Who Dislike Porn

• Play the therapist, not the detective. Don’t go snooping around. Do not try to “catch” him with a porn stash. You’ll only appear crazy, and erode the trust in your relationship further. Instead, take on the role of a therapist, and ask him a lot of open-ended questions. You’ll get a better understanding of why he likes porn, and you’ll keep your trust intact.

• Create your own. If you don’t like him looking at other women naked, then make your own porn together. You can either take pictures or video. You can even splurge and go to a photographer that specializes in boudoir pics. Make sure, of course, that before you proceed you are in a trusted situation in which the “home video” won’t end up in the wrong hands.

• Turn the tables on yourself. Push yourself to be a little more accepting. Part of being in a relationship is learning about and accepting someone who isn’t exactly like you.

• Accept that porn is part of the equation - negotiate how. The fact is that if your guy is into porn, no matter what he says, he will go back to it. Accept that porn is something he likes on his own and that doesn’t have anything to do with you. While you will not likely succeed in getting him to never look at porn again, you can ask that there be guidelines you both respect. For example, you might agree that he only looks at porn when you’re not home, or that he is extra careful in hiding his porn habits so you don’t have to think about it.

What side are you on in the porn debate? Leave a comment or a tip on how you’ve been able deal with porn in your relationship.