Entries Tagged 'Foreplay and Arousal Tips' ↓

A new sexuality study in Psychology Today suggests that many women experience arousal after sexual activity, not before it, contrary to the belief that desire precedes sex. This sort of generalization might be insulting if you are one of those women who are down for quickies and get wet at the sight of buttocks in a pair of tight jeans, but for many women who have felt their libidos lagging behind their male counterparts, the implications are comforting.

Psychologists have long used male arousal as the defined norm of desire, so when women didn’t experience desire in the same way, they were considered to have a problem. Therefore, as many as a third of women were considered to have deficient arousal responses.

But this study suggests that women simply have different arousal systems, and in fact it is normal for many women to experience arousal after sexual activity has taken place.

Contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result. “Women,” Basson explains, “often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral.” But as things heat up, so do they, and they eventually experience desire.

While the study results aren’t true for every woman (or man), it would be less frustrating for a lot of people to understand that we all experience desire differently.  And if the study results ring true for you or your mate, there are some easy tips you can try to improve your sex lives.

For Women: Just Do It Already. If you’ve been waiting to be overwhelmed by desire before you give in to any sexual contact by your mate, then, according to the study, you can just exhale. Brad Pitt folding your laundry in the nude is not going to turn you on if your arousal doesn’t work that way. So instead of waiting to be turned on in the way your partner seems to be, you may want to just start fooling around and see if that doesn’t get you going. Now, I’m not advocating doing anything you don’t want to do, I’m just encouraging you to do something you think you don’t want to do, but will probably find soon after that you want to do it a lot more.

For Men: Take Your Time. If your partner doesn’t get turned on by the sight of you naked or the mere mention of doing it, then you need to do a little bit more work. Take your time with foreplay, explore her body beyond her breasts and genitals, and you will likely find a horny sex kitten inside your normally disinterested spouse. As a bonus, taking your time will prolong your erection and make for better orgasms for you.

Understanding that you and your partner may feel desire and arousal differently is a great starting place to work on trying to meet each other’s needs and wants.

If you live anywhere in the Northeast, then you know that this has been the rainiest, grayest summer on record and that we’re all cranky and scurvy-ish. That’s why, if you want to get laid at all this summer, I suggest you head outside this weekend and get your sunshine on.

Now, I’m not a scientist, so I’m not uncomfortable making up facts. Like getting fresh air and sunshine makes you a better lover. Or that vitamin D is proven to make boners and boobs bigger. Or that there’s a correlation between between sunny weather and more frequent sex.

But you don’t need made up facts to head outside, right? Our moods do elevate after some time outdoors, and our skin does look a little better sun-kissed (but wear sunscreen - sunburns just look ridiculous and make sex painful). Since the sexiest season has been elusive this year, take in some sun when you can, and I’m sure you’ll feel more alive and amorous than you have in awhile.

I am going to take my own advice and head down to the beach for the weekend. I’m determined to prove that eating lobster rolls makes you orgasm. Have a sexy weekend.

Image courtesy of mikebaird used under Creative Commons license.

One of my best friends swears that you can tell how good a man will be in bed by how well he dances. While I don’t have the data to back up her theory, I do think there is some merit to it. Consider what it takes to get out on the dance floor: confidence, sensuality, coordination, rhythm, and the willingness to be a little silly. All the perfect characteristics of a great lover.

Dancing is good foreplay because it gets the blood pumping, the endorphins flowing, and the body moving. Whether you’re a good or bad dancer, once you let yourself go, it’s hard not to feel sexy dancing to some Lil’ Wayne. Add in the sensuality, the body contact, and the sexy visuals, and dancing becomes perfect foreplay.

If you’re on a date, dancing is a way to break the ice that conversation over coffee can’t achieve. You get to see another more physical, more vulnerable, and more fun side of the person you’re with, and you get to make body contact and check out the chemistry between you.

If you’re in a couple, going out for a night of dancing is a great way to break the routine and get out of your heads. Dancing is a way to engage with each other that is purely physical, and you get to watch each other and touch each other in ways outside of your usual foreplay routine. Plus, it’s always a little flattering to see someone else checking out your partner.

So if you’re looking for a good foreplay trick this weekend, suggest a night of dancing, or just turn up your ipod in your living room and get your groove on. A little dirty dancing just might get you in the mood for the horizontal tango.

Image courtesy of Netream used under Creative Commons.

Want a surefire way to get into someone’s pants? Say something sincere and kind, and they’ll likely get all warm and fuzzy. Yes, even down there.

Okay, so maybe it’s not a 100% guaranteed move, but consider this: the person you’re dating casually probably feels rejected a lot; the person you’re coupled up with probably feels neglected sometimes. So saying the right thing that just might make them feel special and appreciated gives you a better shot at intimacy than strictly dirty talk or focusing on your needs will.

It’s not always easy to tell someone how you feel. One of the first obstacles, of course, is to stop thinking of yourself and your raging hard-on (yes, those little clits in salute count). The second is really being present with someone else and identifying that thing that makes them magical to you, even if they’re not the most beautiful, sexy person in the world (because, let’s face it, Brad and Angelina already found each other).

Since we’re all different, we’re not gonna arrive at the right sweet nothing to say the same way. Let’s do this by personality:

• If you’re the emotional type: If you speak with your heart and are all over terms of endearment, sharing your feelings is probably easy, but how much thought do you put into what you say? It may be easy for you to gush and be all affectionate, but have you ever analyzed how this person affects you? Yeah, it probably feels good to hang on their neck and whisper sweet nothings, but take the time to consider how you are a different and better person because of who they are. And then tell them. Save your I love you’s, and give them something deep and meaty.

• If you’re the thinker type: You’ve probably built spreadsheets that show rows of reasons why your mate is great, or done a statistical probability on the chances of a second date with that person you met online, but you can’t remember when you haven’t dissected your feelings for every shred of data and then tossed them aside. If this is you, and you want to say the right thing to get someone all wet, then please Goddess just do something spontaneous. A hiccup will do. Just pick her up and swing her around in the bar, or walk by and pat his bum. Just. Do. Something. Don’t think. (P.S. – I know there is only a 6% chance that any of you will heed this advice).

• If you’re the strong and silent type: If speaking your mind or your heart are not your strengths, well, why push it? If your thing is being strong and silent, rock on with your bad self. Except … you need to figure out that action that you can take that will wow your partner. Maybe your efforts at keeping a clean house or taking care of the car go unnoticed, but what could you do that wouldn’t be taken for granted? What action would be impractical, crazy, and solely for your partner?

We all like to feel special, especially before sex, so take some time to appreciate that person in your life that you want to rock with. It’s the foreplay move you’ve never considered.

Foreplay is all the titillation that happens before sex, so there’s no need to wait until you’re in the bedroom to get started. Summer is such an amorous season, it basically begs for scantily clad couples everywhere to indulge in a little PDA. If you want to move the foreplay to a more public setting, here are some tips:

• Talk dirty to me. A little dirty talk is a great way to create anticipation for all the lovin’ that will go down later on. Whether you send secret naughty texts to each across the dinner table, or whisper a “you’re so hot” as you pass by to get another round of drinks, or describe what you are going to do to your partner once you get them home, suggestive talk will definitely get the libido going.

• Touch and go. The right touch in public can be quite arousing – especially if it is the perfect combination of affectionate and forbidden. A brush against her breasts or his package, a hand on the ass, a stroke down the back, or a nibble on the neck are all enticing moves that you can pull off in public to get your partner turned on. Many people get even more excited by so obviously being someone’s object of desire.

• The sneak-off. While you are out for dinner or a night of dancing, pull a quick sneak-off and steal a few moments of making out or light petting. The semi-public making out will turn your partner on, while the delicious delay of release will build all the more tension until you two lovebirds return home.

That’s this week’s foreplay tip - let your inner exhibitionist give public foreplay a try this weekend.

Image courtesy of David Boyle in DC used under Creative Commons.