Man Myths: 7 Things I’ve Learned as a Recovering Man-Hater

One of the things I’ve never really disclosed before on this blog is that I used to be a man-hater. As in, when I saw a man with a child in a park my first thought was that he’s a pedophile, or that all men in bars were potential rapists. I’m not proud of it, no, but it’s something I’ve lived with for a long time.  I think my man-hating has its origins in childhood experiences, misogyny in our culture, and a really effective date rape seminar during freshmen orientation in college.

Regardless, clinging to fear-based generalizations about men did not help my love or sex life any. In hindsight, I ended relationships with otherwise great guys because of persistent paranoia that he was a closet cheater, liar, or serial killer, though I had proof of none. I suspect that gender-based generalizations are holding a lot of people back in their pursuits of love, sex, and happiness.

If this sounds stupid, well that’s the point. Generalizations always do. But that doesn’t give them any less power. I think many people spend more time looking for how others fit into stereotypes than how they are different (“haha! I saw you talking to another woman. You are just like all the other cheating assholes!”)

The whole process of falling in love and getting married is complicated when you are a man-hater, but also quite a learning experience. I’ve had a lot of the myths about men dispelled and have grown fonder of the opposite sex. And while not all women would identify as man-haters, many cling to some of the same misconceptions that us man-haters do.

These are some of the things I’ve learned as I’ve transitioned into life as an ex-man-hater. Some of them are obvious and trite, but they are all new ways of understanding men to me. Perhaps they can help other women understand men a bit better, too.

• Men don’t expect you to be perfect. Sure, he may like the retouched photo spread of Jessica Alba, but he likes your body, flaws and all, more. My experience is that men don’t conflate fantasy and reality as much as women do. A guy is not going to turn down boobs and the promise of sex  because you’re due for a bikini wax or have a blemish. Women are much more apt to hold themselves and others to expectations of perfection (curse those naturally-occurring stretchmarks!). I’m certainly not blaming women, only merely suggesting that your quest for physical perfection is doing more to make the fashion & beauty industry rich than it is helping you have a fulfilling sex/love life.

• Men find a lot of women sexy. A LOT. It’s no secret that men check out other women. Many women find this threatening; I used to find this threatening. I’ve learned not to confuse “aesthetic appreciation” with “wandering eye.” Yes, there will be douchebags who take every opportunity to chat up other women in pursuit of sex; that’s because they are douches, not because they find women sexy. There are also guys that just admire the diverse beauty of women, which is lovely more than intimidating.

• Men worry about their appearances. Even before pop culture turned the queer eye on straight guys, men worried about how they looked. Part of me thinks male anxiety over six-pack abs and perfectly coiffed hair is justice at last, but the other part just can’t take any more neuroses in this world. If nothing else, my husband always asking me if he looks fat in his t-shirt has taught me just how annoying constant worry over appearance is.

• Men aren’t always up for sex. Legend has it that men are always up for sex and are just waiting for a wet and willing woman to hop on. This is not so. Single and coupled guys alike have times when they’re not down for getting it on, whether they want to avoid a messy one night stand situation or they’re tired and stressed from work or they’re just not in the mood. So if you’re guy says no one night, don’t take it personally – guys are allowed to have “headaches,” too.

• Men are not mind readers. Unless you happen to be dating Criss Angel, the guy you are with is not a mind reader. And chances are, he probably isn’t as intuitive as you are. That means he is not decoding your facial cues, body language, and tone for the subliminal message you are trying to send … so, he doesn’t get that you don’t want to go to the party even though you said you did, but you crossed your arms, so he should know what you meant. Um, no. Just say what you mean and save yourself a lot of communication troubles.

• Men like cuddling and affection. If you believe Cosmo, then cuddling is a man’s penance for getting laid. The truth is that cuddling is not the 5th circle of hell for men; cuddling and affection are things that nearly all humans enjoy from infancy on. Sure, there are some dudes who don’t like it, as there are women, but most people enjoy comforting non-sexual touch.

• Men really are that simple. This is for the ladies out there that read into every word and action for some complex motivation or message – he is NOT thinking what you think he’s thinking. Men are simple. We’re all pretty simple, really, when it comes to what we want and need. We just make things way more complicated than they need to be. If you are certain that he is that deep and complicated and sending you mixed messages, just ask him straight out  … and believe in the simple answer.

I continue to learn how wrong I was assuming that all men were a certain way. Has experience taught you something about the opposite sex that you didn’t expect?

Stop by tomorrow for 7 Things You Don’t Know About Women.