Entries Tagged 'He Says, She Says' ↓

We asked some of our contributors and readers some “best of sex” questions … below are their responses.

What is the best sex position?

Veronica: I like it when I’m on my side and the man is on his knees and one leg is wrapped around his waist, the other lying flat on the bed; he can use my hip as leverage and it allows him to get maximum penetration while still being able to view my face, boobs and ass!

Doug: I like sitting on something with a girl sitting on me, either facing me or away from me. I prefer if she’s facing away from me, especially if there is a mirror.

Tara: I am a big fan of being on top. Easiest way to make me orgasm, hands down.

Where is the best place to have sex?

Veronica: Anywhere - the intimacy of your own bedroom (or bed) is preferable.

Doug: On a bed, who are we kidding? The bed is the best place. It gets boring, sure, but that’s because you always come back to it.

Tara: Shower … easy clean up.

What’s the perfect number of sex partners at one time?

Veronica: As George Michael says, “sex is best when it’s one-on-one.”

Doug: Wow, I bet 3 or 2.5.

Tara: Call me crazy, but I’m gonna go with one.

What’s your favorite time of day to have sex?

Veronica: I’m a night person, so definitely some point in the evening.

Doug: 2pm.

Tara: Morning or really late at night.

What is the best common fantasy to live out?

Veronica: I enjoy masturbating for my partner. He’s probably thought of it a million different ways and showing him the reality turns out to be such a turn-on; he’s never thought of THAT before … ha!

Doug: I wish I had an answer.

Tara: I’ve always fantasized about having sex in the rain. I should get around to that one.

I wanted to write a follow up to Man Myths, a post in which I discuss the gender stereotypes I’ve un-learned about men, with a similar post about woman myths. This proved to be much harder than I expected, and a raging hangover didn’t help.

First of all, there are no many nauseating myths about women, that’s it’s hard to do a “top” list. How do you organize it? Top myths that make it seem okay to pay women less? Top myths that make violence against women tolerable? No. I’m just not up for the sort of bra-burning rage that it would inspire.

Then I found that when I proceeded anyways, my “myths” were a lot more personal – less “woman myths” and more “if you make this assumption about me, I’ll punch you in the balls.” But, like I said in my last post, that’s sort of the point. Every gender norm that I defy is one that many other women out there do, too. I assure you that I’m just not that atypical.

So, despite these challenges, I’ve come up with my 7 things you don’t know about women. If it saves just one man from getting punched in the balls for believing in stupid stereotypes of women, than it will be worth it.

• Women really do like sex. Women like sex, think about sex, and want to have sex, yet this myth persists that women are always withholding, and men have to beg for it. This is the reality: women like sex. Now, if your value and character as a person was measured by whether or not you consented to have sex, you would be a bit confused about your sexuality, too. This is not biologically determined, though; it is definitely man-made.

• Not all women like romantic comedies. Here’s a bit of anec-data for you: the ratio of men to women I know that like rom-coms is 4:1. Ok, so maybe that just means that I know 4 dudes that love romantic comedies (including my husband) and only one woman who does (my sister, ugh). While this may go against gender norms, it makes perfect sense to me. In romantic comedies, the guys get to be losers, dorks, or assholes, but in the end they always get the girl. The woman, on the other hand, gets to sometimes not be really skinny. Boring, yes, but it suggests that these movies are made for men, really.

• Women do need you to find the clit. This isn’t some bullshit to make female orgasms more complicated; it’s quite simple. The clit is the female penis. I’ve cited the stats about the female orgasm before, so I’m not going to get into numbers here. Just know that intercourse in most positions does very little to stimulate the clit, ergo it needs to be touched, licked, sucked, vibrated, etc. for most women to orgasm.

• Women are not turned on by cars and money. Unless you’ve got a pic of Brad Pitt naked in your wallet, there is nothing in there that is going to turn me on. Cars? Seriously, I wouldn’t be able to identify a nice car if it ran me over and I had to fill out a police report. Are there some women out there who care about these things? Sure, they suck, and there’s a few in every bunch, but the women I know don’t roll like that.

• Women don’t always want to “make love.” I’ll admit it – I’m a sucker for romance, foreplay, and long lovemaking sessions that take up the afternoon. But not always. Sometimes I just want a quickie, and frankly resent when I need to involve a guy at all when I can probably take care of things better and faster myself.

• Women grow body hair. Women, like men, grow hair on their bodies. Now, we all have different thresholds as to how long we grow it before we do or do not decide to remove it, but if you are ever going to be intimate with a woman on a long-term basis, there will be a time when she is unshaven. Get over it.

• Women can be as dirty as men. You can take this one however you want - whether it’s that a woman can do tequila shots until she passes out in her vomit, eat hot dogs using pizza slices as the bun, or ask to be spanked during some kinky sex. Just don’t buy into the assumption that all women are prim and proper and repressed, or you’ll be in for a fart-ripping surprise.

There are plenty of other things you don’t know about women (or men, for that matter), but the great part is that you get to learn a lot from the people you meet, date, and love, assuming you’re not so narrow-minded. Not to end sounding like a PSA, but gender stereotypes hurt us all (this is your brain on gender norms - any questions?).  Maybe we’re not all completely unique like snowflakes, but I don’t think we’re as predictable and boring as the stereotypes we create for each other, either.

One of the things I’ve never really disclosed before on this blog is that I used to be a man-hater. As in, when I saw a man with a child in a park my first thought was that he’s a pedophile, or that all men in bars were potential rapists. I’m not proud of it, no, but it’s something I’ve lived with for a long time.  I think my man-hating has its origins in childhood experiences, misogyny in our culture, and a really effective date rape seminar during freshmen orientation in college.

Regardless, clinging to fear-based generalizations about men did not help my love or sex life any. In hindsight, I ended relationships with otherwise great guys because of persistent paranoia that he was a closet cheater, liar, or serial killer, though I had proof of none. I suspect that gender-based generalizations are holding a lot of people back in their pursuits of love, sex, and happiness.

If this sounds stupid, well that’s the point. Generalizations always do. But that doesn’t give them any less power. I think many people spend more time looking for how others fit into stereotypes than how they are different (“haha! I saw you talking to another woman. You are just like all the other cheating assholes!”)

The whole process of falling in love and getting married is complicated when you are a man-hater, but also quite a learning experience. I’ve had a lot of the myths about men dispelled and have grown fonder of the opposite sex. And while not all women would identify as man-haters, many cling to some of the same misconceptions that us man-haters do.

These are some of the things I’ve learned as I’ve transitioned into life as an ex-man-hater. Some of them are obvious and trite, but they are all new ways of understanding men to me. Perhaps they can help other women understand men a bit better, too.

• Men don’t expect you to be perfect. Sure, he may like the retouched photo spread of Jessica Alba, but he likes your body, flaws and all, more. My experience is that men don’t conflate fantasy and reality as much as women do. A guy is not going to turn down boobs and the promise of sex  because you’re due for a bikini wax or have a blemish. Women are much more apt to hold themselves and others to expectations of perfection (curse those naturally-occurring stretchmarks!). I’m certainly not blaming women, only merely suggesting that your quest for physical perfection is doing more to make the fashion & beauty industry rich than it is helping you have a fulfilling sex/love life.

• Men find a lot of women sexy. A LOT. It’s no secret that men check out other women. Many women find this threatening; I used to find this threatening. I’ve learned not to confuse “aesthetic appreciation” with “wandering eye.” Yes, there will be douchebags who take every opportunity to chat up other women in pursuit of sex; that’s because they are douches, not because they find women sexy. There are also guys that just admire the diverse beauty of women, which is lovely more than intimidating.

• Men worry about their appearances. Even before pop culture turned the queer eye on straight guys, men worried about how they looked. Part of me thinks male anxiety over six-pack abs and perfectly coiffed hair is justice at last, but the other part just can’t take any more neuroses in this world. If nothing else, my husband always asking me if he looks fat in his t-shirt has taught me just how annoying constant worry over appearance is.

• Men aren’t always up for sex. Legend has it that men are always up for sex and are just waiting for a wet and willing woman to hop on. This is not so. Single and coupled guys alike have times when they’re not down for getting it on, whether they want to avoid a messy one night stand situation or they’re tired and stressed from work or they’re just not in the mood. So if you’re guy says no one night, don’t take it personally – guys are allowed to have “headaches,” too.

• Men are not mind readers. Unless you happen to be dating Criss Angel, the guy you are with is not a mind reader. And chances are, he probably isn’t as intuitive as you are. That means he is not decoding your facial cues, body language, and tone for the subliminal message you are trying to send … so, he doesn’t get that you don’t want to go to the party even though you said you did, but you crossed your arms, so he should know what you meant. Um, no. Just say what you mean and save yourself a lot of communication troubles.

• Men like cuddling and affection. If you believe Cosmo, then cuddling is a man’s penance for getting laid. The truth is that cuddling is not the 5th circle of hell for men; cuddling and affection are things that nearly all humans enjoy from infancy on. Sure, there are some dudes who don’t like it, as there are women, but most people enjoy comforting non-sexual touch.

• Men really are that simple. This is for the ladies out there that read into every word and action for some complex motivation or message – he is NOT thinking what you think he’s thinking. Men are simple. We’re all pretty simple, really, when it comes to what we want and need. We just make things way more complicated than they need to be. If you are certain that he is that deep and complicated and sending you mixed messages, just ask him straight out  … and believe in the simple answer.

I continue to learn how wrong I was assuming that all men were a certain way. Has experience taught you something about the opposite sex that you didn’t expect?

Stop by tomorrow for 7 Things You Don’t Know About Women.

As I’ve talked about before, the female orgasm can be elusive sometimes, especially when you are with a new partner and you’re figuring out what gets her off. I suggested in my last post that the best way to attack the challenge is to talk to her about it. Um, yeah. While communication is arguably the single most important element in any relationship (though a nice rack doesn’t hurt), knowing that and acting on it are two different things, as I recently discovered.

It’s hard to turn to a woman and ask her about her level of sexual satisfaction in any natural or sexy way – it ends up sounding either clinical or creepy. You make yourself vulnerable and open to the possibility of being told (no matter how nicely) that you are an unsatisfactory lover. And she is put on the spot to explain what she likes, and how you could do it better.

I decided that good sex is more important than my fragile ego, so I forged ahead with “The Talk.” Despite the fact that “The Talk” about her orgasm was more difficult than I expected, I still think it’s the best way to figure things out. After building up a little bit of courage, I dove into the conversation head on, asking honest and forthright questions.

In the end, the conversation went well. I got a good idea how to bring her to orgasm, and we were able to talk about each others’ needs and how we could try and meet them. Looking back at the conversation, some tips stand out:

Be as honest as you can. It sounds stupid and obvious, but the little things you hide now are much harder to explain later.

Laugh. If you are walking into this like you are walking into a funeral, then you are over-thinking it. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Focus on the fact that you are working on having better sex - nothing bad there.  But….

Skip the jokes. For the hour or less it takes to talk about whatever issue you are dealing with, keep the sarcasm and jokes to yourself.  You don’t have to be awkwardly serious, but be sensitive to the fact that your jokes may not translate well in the context of a conversation about sex.*

Ask questions. Open, general questions make it easier to get the conversation started, and help you get specific information.

Get the ball rolling and let her fill in the blanks with questions like:

• Does she like a light touch or a stronger touch most of the time?
• How often should you change the intensity of your touch? When?
• What pace does she like to be touched at? Fast, slow, or varied?
• Where does she like to be kissed?
• What sex positions does she enjoy the most? What positions would she like to try?
• What can you do during intercourse to help her get off? Touch her clit, encourage her to touch herself, incorporate sex toys like a vibrating cock ring?

These tips should be a good starting point to finding out how to help her orgasm. Plus, you’ll be the good guy that interested in her pleasure and that has the balls to ask how you can do better. Over time, the sex conversations will only get easier, so just get started.

* Like, for example, when talking about what sex positions she prefers that she most easily comes from, don’t say, “I would never do that kind of thing” and leave the room. She may not find it funny.

Breasts. Boobs. Tits. Ta-tas. Melons. Cans.

I don’t get what all the fuss is about. I mean, boobs are cute, even beautiful, and cuddly and squishy. But I just never understood the attention paid to them, why they’re so eroticized, or why they’re considered profane. Like do we really need to harass breastfeeding mothers? That’s what boobs are for.

As the owner of a pair, I’ve been largely indifferent to them most of my life.

Photo courtesy of Mylor used under Creative Commons license.

It was quite an education, then, to learn from my husband, who is the quintessential boob man. If he had a superhero power, it would be to see the world only as disembodied boobs. I’m not sure how that would help fight crime, but it sure seems to keep him happily occupied.

From him, I learned that boobs are all different. As a typically egocentric person, I assumed that all boobs looked like mine. Not so. There are flapjacks, round boobs, banana boobs, torpedo tits, perky boobs, saggy boobs. As if he had x-ray vision, my husband could predict down to the areola what a woman’s naked boobs would look like before I could even tell if they were a different size than mine.

I also learned that boobs look great in tee shirts. For years I’ve been planning feminine, colorful outfits, only to find out that a tee shirt and jeans afford great tits-and-ass viewing. I guess girls really do dress for each other.

Finally, I learned that many men have an appreciation for the female form in all its shapes and sizes. My husband, for example, prefers a perky handful of boob, but has no problem oogling big breasts and itty-bitty titties with equal awe and wonder.

Getting insight into the mind of a boob man has instilled a bit of mystery and intrigue for me when it comes to boobs. I still don’t get what ALL the fuss is about, but I’m a little more attentive and appreciative, and can even occasionally pull off the disembodied boob superview of the world.