Shocking Study Results: Women May Experience Desire Differently

A new sexuality study in Psychology Today suggests that many women experience arousal after sexual activity, not before it, contrary to the belief that desire precedes sex. This sort of generalization might be insulting if you are one of those women who are down for quickies and get wet at the sight of buttocks in a pair of tight jeans, but for many women who have felt their libidos lagging behind their male counterparts, the implications are comforting.

Psychologists have long used male arousal as the defined norm of desire, so when women didn’t experience desire in the same way, they were considered to have a problem. Therefore, as many as a third of women were considered to have deficient arousal responses.

But this study suggests that women simply have different arousal systems, and in fact it is normal for many women to experience arousal after sexual activity has taken place.

Contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result. “Women,” Basson explains, “often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral.” But as things heat up, so do they, and they eventually experience desire.

While the study results aren’t true for every woman (or man), it would be less frustrating for a lot of people to understand that we all experience desire differently.  And if the study results ring true for you or your mate, there are some easy tips you can try to improve your sex lives.

For Women: Just Do It Already. If you’ve been waiting to be overwhelmed by desire before you give in to any sexual contact by your mate, then, according to the study, you can just exhale. Brad Pitt folding your laundry in the nude is not going to turn you on if your arousal doesn’t work that way. So instead of waiting to be turned on in the way your partner seems to be, you may want to just start fooling around and see if that doesn’t get you going. Now, I’m not advocating doing anything you don’t want to do, I’m just encouraging you to do something you think you don’t want to do, but will probably find soon after that you want to do it a lot more.

For Men: Take Your Time. If your partner doesn’t get turned on by the sight of you naked or the mere mention of doing it, then you need to do a little bit more work. Take your time with foreplay, explore her body beyond her breasts and genitals, and you will likely find a horny sex kitten inside your normally disinterested spouse. As a bonus, taking your time will prolong your erection and make for better orgasms for you.

Understanding that you and your partner may feel desire and arousal differently is a great starting place to work on trying to meet each other’s needs and wants.