Entries Tagged 'Sexploration' ↓

I guess I was feeling lazy yesterday when I wrote that sexual fantasies are hard work, because there are many that are totally easy, fun, and even spontaneous to try out.  While an elaborate scene might take a lot of planning and forethought, indulging in many common sexual fantasies can happen on the fly, assuming both parties have a good imagination and are into it. Here are some shortcuts to acting out common sexual fantasies that you can improvise almost anytime or anyplace.

Fantasy - Being submissive. Most people fantasize about being dominated in one way or another, or at least of being so overwhelmed with desire, that logic and resistance are futile. From rape fantasies to dreams of being someone’s fuck toy, many fantasize about relinquishing responsibility and control. Isn’t that why bodice-ripping romance novels are so popular?

Shortcut - Have sex blindfolded. If you’re not ready to build a dungeon in your basement but want to give submission a try, volunteer to be blindfolded before sex. It’s easy to improvise with a scarf or a tie, but taking away the sense of sight makes the blindfolded partner more vulnerable, which ups the excitement for them.

Fantasy - Being dominant. Another common fantasy is dominating a partner, which is arousing in part because of the control and power you have over their sexual pleasure.

Shortcut - Tease, but don’t please. There are a lot of ways to dominate that have nothing to do with thigh-high boots or inflicting pain. Controlling when a partner orgasms is an easy way to exercise a bit of dominance. Tease them up to the point of orgasm, and then stop. You have ultimate control of their pleasure, and they’re at your mercy until you make them come. Bonus if you add wrist restraints or sex toys.

Fantasy - Being watched. The idea of being watched is provocative and forbidden. It is arousing to imagine someone seeing you in your most primal state, and thus becoming their object of desire.

Shortcut - Put on a little show. Instead of a regular roll in the hay, have your partner sit a distance from you, then pleasure yourself in front of him or her. You get to be watched in an aroused and vulnerable state, which is probably a fantasy of your partner’s, too.

Fantasy - Voyeurism.  Watching others in elicit acts is another fantasy many people share. If the thought of secretly spying on the neighbors in the act turns you on, then this shortcut is for you.

Shortcut - Do a sexy photo shoot. Suggest a sexy photo shoot of your partner, and as they undress and strike a pose, you get to watch from behind a camera. The lens creates a distance and barrier between you; plus, you have control over what part of the action you are watching while they are unaware.

Fantasy - Having a threesome. Many people fantasize about the possibilities threesomes afford – two lovers pleasing them, two people to pleasure, watching, being watched – a lot can go down when there are more than two people involved.

Shortcut – Dirty talk. It’s no easy feat to find the right third, and at any rate, it is a fantasy that comes with some baggage when you act it out in real life. But one way to experience it is to talk about (as in dirty talk) what you would do if there were another person there while you’re with your partner. Take turns taking the lead. If she has a fantasy about two men, let her describe what the third mystery man is doing, and you try to provide as many sensory stimuli to match that fantasy as you can.

Sexual fantasies can be easy to act on with a little creativity and imagination. Try out these shortcuts when you’re feeling playful!

Image courtesy of heyimlinsayp used under Creative Commons.

Actualizing a sexual fantasy seems like it should be easy enough, but in reality it can be quite hard. If acting out sexual fantasies had steps, it would look something like:

• Share. Tell each other your fantasies.
• Compare. See which ones you might both have an interest in.
• Dare. Just friggin’ do it already. (And fine, the rhyming is lame).

Sharing sexual fantasies, while a little intimidating, isn’t the hardest part – in fact, it’s pretty fun in and of itself. Many couples don’t make it to step one, and instead keep those dark and deviant fantasies all bottled up while they execute missionary sex until the end of time. That’s too bad, because just talking about fantasies can be a turn-on.

Comparing sexual fantasies to see what you’d really like to try is a little bit harder. While you might find some similar fantasies that you would be willing to try together, you also run the risk of divulging a fantasy that your partner just isn’t going to be into, in which case you may even be more frustrated than before.

Daring to do the deed can be smooth sailing, but more than likely it will come with its own set of obstacles. For the lucky ones who have fantasies that they’re both willing to try, they may take their sex lives to new and interesting places. But because acting on a sexual fantasy requires forethought, planning, and sometimes accessorizing, it takes more work than the regular ol’ sex that’s worked well before.

The “doing” part is something I struggle with. See, the hubby and I are big talkers. We have great communication skills that are the foundation of our marriage, sure, but moreover we do a lot of shit-talking about all the things we are going to do. Since our second date, we’ve talked about all the sexual fantasies we have in common. Spanking? Sure. Threesomes. Yep. Light bondage? Please!

Just talking about them gets us pretty worked up, in the same way talking about starting a savings account gets us jazzed for owning a house one day or brainstorming a movie script gets us excited about writing. That doesn’t mean these things are going to happen. These grandiose endeavors require Change and Work, and frankly once those two elements are involved, the end goal loses some appeal.

I could own a house, but would have to give up drinking and eating out so much? Boring! I could be tied up and mercilessly teased for an afternoon, but would have to clean the bedroom, find proper restraints, choose between the dogs watching or barking outside the door, and get into character? Ugh. Just go down on me already.

I know, very un-PC for a sex blogger to say, but good sex is a lot of work, and sometimes you just want to get off before LOST starts and get to cuddling on the couch. I know that if there were a mantra that I should fuck by, it would be “just do it.” But sometimes just doing it is fun, while sexual fantasies are hard work.

“Can we try something?” she asked.

“Sure!” I replied.

I was happy with my answer. Cultivating sexual openness in theory is one thing, but in practice it can be a little daunting. Everyone has layers of issues to deal with on their own. Coordinating those with another’s issues while trying to create a feeling of safety and togetherness isn’t a very straight and easy road.

I was happy she felt comfortable enough to ask. And while I would have said yes in the spirit of being open-minded and reassuring, I actually was interested and a little turned on to find out what was behind door #3. What I think was the most hot was that she had actually recreated the entire set of ‘Lets Make a Deal’ and wore a …. I’m just kidding.

Instead, she reached into her drawer and pulled out two roach clips on a chain. After a little giggling between us, she adorned me by clamping the metal rods around my nipples, allowing the chain to hang between them. Ah, so these are nipple clamps.

They worked a little differently than I would have guessed. I expected them to work like little alligator clips, but they were more like kitchen tongs - the kind with the ring that slides up and down to make them stay shut.  These were much too small to pick up a steak, only big enough to grab the fillet mignon rounds that are my nipples. She placed them around my nipples and slid the ring up. Once she reached the desired tightness, they somehow just stayed there, as if by magic. Or physics. Probably physics.

I have to say I didn’t really “get it.” I later found out that the idea is to put them on pretty tight so that when removed blood comes rushing back in, enough to cause a tingling or even a small amount of enjoyable pain. That didn’t happen for me. Instead, I was naked with a chain hanging from my nipples and when removed they were, well, removed … that was it. We decided later that we had not applied the right amount of pressure and would have to try again another time with a bit more force.

So, in the process of nurturing sexual openness, I will try nipple clamps again, next time on her. There is something sensual about putting them onto someone. And I’m pretty handy with kitchen tongs, so I expect I’ll do well. Til next time …

Photo by: Stratosphaerenlieder used under Creative Commons.

Friday night we went to a party we were invited to by a new acquaintance, uncertain what to expect. There’s always that glimmer of hope when you meet someone you think there is potential friendship with, the longing for someone else who sees no contradiction between being nerdy, yuppie-ish, and delinquent at the same time. The glimmer of hope faded as we found the party to be a mixed bag of amusing folks, beer pong, and people just too young to hang with, but we mingled and had a good time all the same. In the wee hours, as we played ping pong, Jason looked at me and signaled that it was time to pull out our party trick – we got naked.

Image by Jizzon used under Creative Commons.

Getting naked in public elicits mixed responses – some are disgusted, others turned on, and most just surprised that someone has stripped down  in the middle of a dingy basement kegger. I feel none of those things when I get naked. I stopped being embarrassed while naked a long time ago, and am pretty unfazed by nudity. It isn’t remotely sexual to me, either. I am not an exhibitionist, so being seen is not a turn-on for me. It isn’t intended to be sexy, either, nor is it for sexual attention. I find intellectual foreplay fully-clothed to be sexier; standing around naked is just silly.

For me, being silly is the point. I like getting naked in unexpected situations because I don’t l like to be afraid of things. Getting naked is my personal rebellion against my own fears and insecurities and stupid beliefs in social norms. I get naked to rebel against myself. And I get a little life-affirming buzz from it, the thrill of pushing beyond my comfort zone, and challenging others at the same time.

While getting naked in public or semi-public isn’t sexual for me, it has made me more comfortable in my sexuality. I find that if you can drink a beer naked and hangout with 30+ people, you can be pretty uninhibited with a sexual partner. And this is the larger point – stepping outside of your comfort zone can have surprising effects in different areas of your life.

Feel free to make some version of this your own party trick – you’ll see how funny and ridiculous and freeing being naked can be.

We hate New Year’s resolutions. While we don’t have any problem with self-improvement, New Year’s resolutions always sound like things Catholics give up for lent, and are just generally un-fun. But in the spirit of the new year, we decided to come up with some sex resolutions that are positive, enjoyable, and totally doable. If at this point you’ve already abandoned going to the gym everyday or not eating a single carb, try out some of our sex resolutions instead. They will be easier to stick to and a whole lot more fun.

Sex Resolution #4: Integrate Technology into Your Sex Life

If you’re tech-phobic or just read a lot of sci-fi, you may be frightened at the thought of incorporating more technology into your sex life. There are definitely negative consequences to it. For example, recent studies show teenagers are rampantly “sexting,” couples prefer their laptops over lovemaking, and people will soon be having sex with robots. But there is an upside to technology, too, that can infuse some new energy into your sex life. And since we now spend so much time connected to one electronic device or another, you might as well figure out how to make it sexier than the iPhone. Technology provides a number of ways to get turned on, live out fantasies, and constantly communicate with your partner about your desire. If you haven’t incorporated technology in your sex life, 2009 might just be the year to do it.

• e-foreplay. Use email, texting, or IM/chat to send dirty messages or words of love to your partner. You can start to build desire and connection from any location, and act on it when you’re reunited again. You can also experiment with video chat, which is especially helpful for lovers doing the long-distance thing.

• Let out your inner voyeur/exhibitionist. The internet is chock full of erotic images, videos, and erotica writing of all tastes and genres to view and/or share with your partner. Or, if you want to get Web 2.0 with it, create your own images or videos to put up. Of course, take measures to protect your identity as needed, but let your inner exhibitionist free on sites like YouPorn or yuvutu.

• Check out the online sex scene. If you’re single or in a couple looking to open up your relationship, there is an active casual sex scene online. Sites like craigslist’s casual encounters, AdultFriendFinder, or Ashley Madison cater to no-strings-attached sex play. Communities like FetLife cater to fetish and BDSM lifestyles, while sites like Swingers Space cater to the swinging lifestyle.

• Have virtual sex.Virtual worlds such as Second Life offer a chance to create an online version of yourself called an avatar that can live out sexual fantasies in a safe, virtual environment. There is a lot of debate as to whether or not having virtual sex is cheating, so it’s best to be open about your online activities with your partner, and even share with him or her.