Entries Tagged 'Sex and Relationships' ↓

Breaking up sucks; breakup sex, on the other hand, is amazing. Breakup sex is the temporary salve of the broken-hearted; that passionate, this-will-never-happen-again kind of humping that gives you the hope and sustaining orgasms you need to make it through a few more days.

Breakup sex, like make-up sex and angry sex, is easily some of the best sex available, but getting it generally takes some luck or the willingness to be a total dickhead. Breakup sex is as inherently complicated as it is pleasurable, so securing it takes some soul-searching, or, at least, strategizing.

Upon the demise of my last two relationships, the idea of some aftermath loving ran through my head. I mean, I am a: a man, and b: breathing.

After the breakup, I was left with one of two course of actions to pursue breakup sex:

Decision A: Lie! Say exactly what she wants to hear and get into bed together. This frankly is the simpler solution; easy to do and almost guaranteed to secure sex. It requires nothing more than callously ignoring the other person’s feelings and manipulating their emotions to suit your needs. No one wants to see a relationship end, not even a bad one. And by simply exploiting that, you can lie your way right back into her pants. Down the road, she will surely catch on though and the whole thing will come to a chaotic crash. If you never plan on seeing this person again and you are an asshole (probably why the relationship failed), then this might be the plan for you.

Decision B: Tell the truth. If you’re sexually attracted to the recently dumped person, let them know. The concept that once a relationship has ended, so does the attraction is backwards and can lead to awkward encounters bursting with sexual tension in the future. And what woman wouldn’t want to know that regardless of other issues the two of you may have had, you still find her irresistibly sexy? While this option leads to a more forthright and honest relationship going forward, it doesn’t guarantee sex. To date, I am batting .500 with this method, but perhaps more importantly, I am still friendly with both women. Maybe not best friends, sure, but not awkward if we see each other.

Once again, being an asshole will get you laid, but being the nice guy makes you a better person, and still has a 50% chance of getting you laid. Those are not horrible odds.

Image courtesy of skedonk used under Creative Commons.

To all those whiners, complainers, and haters out there who feel unwanted, under appreciated, and undersexed in their relationships: get over yourself. Seriously. You’ll be doing yourself a big favor.

This is not to invalidate your feelings, no. Many of us do go through life feeling less desired, less valued, and yes, less fucked than we’d like to be. But getting mired in your own chasm of disappointment is not going to get you laid. Chances are, if you are feeling neglected by your partner, he or she feels neglected, too.

We’re human. We’re inherently selfish and needy, and, thanks to modern culture, gaping fucking holes of insecurities. The sooner you realize that it’s a fact of existence rather than a reflection of your partner’s disregard, the less discontent you’ll be with your relationships. And the weird thing about being human is that the best way to let go of those feelings for a little while is to do something for someone else.

Maybe I’m just being all mushy and sensitive today because it’s my wedding anniversary, which is a day that I celebrate by acknowledging my husband’s, this beautiful other person, autonomy. My husband does not exist to make me feel sexy (though he does) or to take care of me (though he does). He is his own complex world of need and desire and fear, not simply someone who was put here to fill my void. So this day is about choosing each other again, and respecting this delicate balance of ego and want and giving that is our marriage.

If you’ve been feeling blue in your relationship, instead of taking inventory of the things you want, examine the things about your partner that you appreciate. Tell her she is beautiful. Tell him you’re thankful for his strength. Or vice versa. Just try to put your needs on hold for one moment, and be there for the other person. And then have sex. Trust me, it will all just work out that way.

Next time you’re having a little pity party for yourself, invite your partner along. You are not alone in your want.

Image courtesy of fourme used under Creative Commons.

As my luck would have it, days after my post went public my fiancé and I decided to break up. Was I surprised when I realized what was going on behind my back? Amazingly, I wasn’t. I guess after knowing someone for so long you come to know what to expect from him or her, even if it’s something that you would rather ignore. Ultimately, I couldn’t deal with a cheater. Here’s how I’m getting over it, and if this is something you’re dealing with, then you really need to read.

• Find a support system. My friends have all been really great. They’ve been calling and texting a little more to make sure I’m alright, and I haven’t had so many invitations to go out in a long time. Let the important people in your life know what’s going on. This isn’t your fault and your friends aren’t going to judge you. I promise they won’t!

• Ask yourself this one important question: Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? My good friend Melissa asked me this, and she was completely right. I deserve better, and so do you! If the person you’re with goes behind your back and disregards your relationship, they don’t deserve you. Every time my ex slept with someone else, he disrespected me and our relationship. I could not live the rest of my life constantly wondering if he was really being honest about his whereabouts.

• Clean up. Have things around the house that belong to your ex? Pack them up and deliver them back. As much as you want to, don’t burn them! I took my ex his things over the weekend and it was just a huge relief to no longer have them sitting there. He knew I meant business when he opened the bag and realized that every little thing he left at my house over the past seven years was in there.

• Focus on you. Have you been thinking about getting into shape? This is the perfect time to go for it! Not only can you burn your frustrations out at the gym, but soon enough you’ll have a new hot bod to show off, too! Instead of getting revenge, hit the gym, get your hair done, and let your ex find out what they’re missing out on. I know in no time mine will be kicking himself in the ass!

• Avoid break up sex. It’s easy to do - first you’re crying, then you’re hugging, and suddenly you’re having sex with the person that you’re supposed to be breaking up with. As much as it might feel good at the time, it isn’t a good idea. You’re too emotionally raw during the break up phase, and sex will complicate it. Now, sex with the ex a few months later? Maybe. But you have plenty of time to decide on that after you take care of yourself.

• Move on. You’ll know when you’re ready for this step. It may take a few weeks or a few months, but it’s something that you have to do. Just remember, there is someone out there who will treat you right! I’m not in a rush to jump into anything; I want to find someone who will respect me. When the time comes, I’ll be ready.

Break ups tend to bring out the homicidal/suicidal tendencies in all of us. Don’t go down the path of self-destruction, and instead do things that will help you heal. And, no, that does not include late night stalking, keying of cars, or any other behavior that is not part of moving on.

It’s Monday night, the first one in a long time when I don’t have an episode of Heroes to watch. I’m not too upset about this. Like a sex partner who stopped trying and isn’t that satisfying anymore, Heroes just didn’t deliver the excitement and pleasure it once did. While it’s hard to let even a bad lover go, you often find that you’re better off on your own than you were settling for less.

There was a time when Heroes really turned me on. I waited in anticipation for every episode during season 1, and each one left me breathless and excited, even before the sex dreams of Peter Petrelli started. In season 2, I hung in there, confused but still eager, like the lover amusing her partner while he “experiments” with new tricks. By season 3, I was just bored with the lack of enjoyment that Heroes brought me. And the end of this season (season 3.5?), well, it was too little too late to make up for how much it had let me down.

The mistakes the series made are ones that we can all learn from, even when it comes to our sex lives. Think about it – have you or someone you know wasted the glorious potential of sex by going down boring, meandering, or unnecessarily complicated paths? Heroes may have jumped the shark, but your sex life does not have to – avoid these Heroes pitfalls:

• Don’t peak too early. Heroes never really developed into anything special, despite all the promise and potential of season 1. Don’t be like the hot high school football player that never delivers more than jackhammer sex because he relies too much on his looks. You can always learn and grow sexually, especially if you are open-minded and receptive to feedback from partners.

• Don’t lose focus. Heroes was perfectly set up to explore the archetypal battle of good and evil, with Peter leading the good guys and Sylar becoming the ever more powerful bad guy. But then Hiro ended up in ancient Japan, some chick who could make electricity took center stage, and Mr. Petrelli came back from the dead, and  and it lost all focus. People let this happen to their sex lives, too, by losing focus on pleasure and intimacy, and getting distracted by artificial concerns about appearance, number of lovers, etc.

• Don’t waste your time with minor characters. I am the last person to make moral judgments about who sleeps with who, but if the person you’re taking home for the rest of the night or the rest of your life doesn’t have an amazing ability or memorable personality, they aren’t worth your time. Just look at all the mediocre characters Heroes introduced (too bland to remember), which only meant lost time with the amazing stars of the show we’d all fallen for.

• Don’t hide your badass side. Future Hiro, wearing a black coat, ponytail, and samurai sword, is badass. Unfortunately, the show never actualized this version of Hiro in real time, so we never got to see Hiro’s darker side. Don’t wait to bust out your inner badass. If you’ve got a dark, sexy side that no one gets to see, just throw on your best leather outfit and let your freaky side out.

• Don’t try to be normal. This is more a classic superhero plot point than it is a flaw with Heroes, but many of the main characters, including Claire and Nathan, longed to be rid of their abilities and be normal, which led to some problems for everyone. The lesson is that you have to be okay with who you are; trying to fit in and be normal at best makes you boring, and at worst leads to a police state complete with internment camps for deviants (just ask Danko).

• Don’t lose your powers. Both Hiro and Peter lost their powers because of a crappy resurrection of Peter’s dad, who came back, added nothing to the show, then promptly died off. We all dated those people who we thought were going to be important and that we’d learn from, only to have them disappear and mean very little to our lives. Don’t let those insignificant people take away part of who you are. You’ll need those powers when the right person comes along.

• Don’t assume you’ll have another season. Clearly, the writers of Heroes thought they were going to have more time to develop their story. I mean, they went through a whole season with Hiro and Peter having no abilities? WTF? Ugh. If you’ve got some good moves or good ideas in the bedroom, don’t save them for later. You may not have another chance to wow a lover.

I will miss Heroes if it is not renewed, not because it was amazing, but because I wanted it to have another chance to correct its mistakes. But unlike this show, you have a chance to avoid or fix those mistakes now – before you fade off onto the D-list of shitty sex partners.