Entries Tagged 'Sex Mistakes' ↓

It’s easy to mock all things vanilla – Vanilla Ice, vanilla lattes, vanilla sex – but vanilla just isn’t all that bad. I love me some vanilla sex (and “Ice Ice Baby” is one of my favorite karaoke songs).

In the sex blogging world, it sometimes feels like there’s a universal condescension of vanilla sex. It’s as if the BDSM crew got together with the swingers and polys and LGBTQs on the playground to snigger at all the straight white married couples having missionary sex beyond their white picket fences.

As far as I can discern, the term “vanilla” is used to describe a person or couple who is not part of an alternative sexual community (also bad term, btw). Sure, it carries the connotation of plain and boring, but operating within the confines of “conventional sexual behavior” can be a lot of things beyond dull.

The human sexual experience is too complex to be categorized in either/or’s; sex is not only boring or kinky. Consider, as an example, that in between the “vanilla” couple who has quiet missionary sex once a week and the D/s couple that heads to the dugeon exists a whole hell of a lot of people that fanasize and experiment with power in sex that never have to identify as anything – they just do what they do. There are degrees.

Even just getting it on in the boring ol’ missionary position can yield so many different experiences – it can be tender or rough, urgent or slow, angry or loving.

Perhaps I am sensitive about this because, by the above definition, I would have to own the vanilla term, and I’m just not happy with its connotation. I’m married, and have a mostly hetero, mostly monogamous relationship.

But there’s a lot of room to play in “mostly.”

We checked out the swinger scene, and it wasn’t for us, but we’re still open to hooking up with other people. We like a good spanking sesh every now and again, but there are times when if he even thought about spanking me he’d get punched in the face for ruining my gentle lovemaking experience. And he’d probably like that, too.

So I’d at least consider my sex life vanilla with a cherry on top. And maybe some chocolate sauce or whatever.

Yes, there is a such thing as boring sex. Just please don’t assume that all your vanilla friends are boring in the bedroom – or on the dining room table you’re eating at.

Image courtesy of ShellyS used under Creative Commons.

It’s Monday night, the first one in a long time when I don’t have an episode of Heroes to watch. I’m not too upset about this. Like a sex partner who stopped trying and isn’t that satisfying anymore, Heroes just didn’t deliver the excitement and pleasure it once did. While it’s hard to let even a bad lover go, you often find that you’re better off on your own than you were settling for less.

There was a time when Heroes really turned me on. I waited in anticipation for every episode during season 1, and each one left me breathless and excited, even before the sex dreams of Peter Petrelli started. In season 2, I hung in there, confused but still eager, like the lover amusing her partner while he “experiments” with new tricks. By season 3, I was just bored with the lack of enjoyment that Heroes brought me. And the end of this season (season 3.5?), well, it was too little too late to make up for how much it had let me down.

The mistakes the series made are ones that we can all learn from, even when it comes to our sex lives. Think about it – have you or someone you know wasted the glorious potential of sex by going down boring, meandering, or unnecessarily complicated paths? Heroes may have jumped the shark, but your sex life does not have to – avoid these Heroes pitfalls:

• Don’t peak too early. Heroes never really developed into anything special, despite all the promise and potential of season 1. Don’t be like the hot high school football player that never delivers more than jackhammer sex because he relies too much on his looks. You can always learn and grow sexually, especially if you are open-minded and receptive to feedback from partners.

• Don’t lose focus. Heroes was perfectly set up to explore the archetypal battle of good and evil, with Peter leading the good guys and Sylar becoming the ever more powerful bad guy. But then Hiro ended up in ancient Japan, some chick who could make electricity took center stage, and Mr. Petrelli came back from the dead, and  and it lost all focus. People let this happen to their sex lives, too, by losing focus on pleasure and intimacy, and getting distracted by artificial concerns about appearance, number of lovers, etc.

• Don’t waste your time with minor characters. I am the last person to make moral judgments about who sleeps with who, but if the person you’re taking home for the rest of the night or the rest of your life doesn’t have an amazing ability or memorable personality, they aren’t worth your time. Just look at all the mediocre characters Heroes introduced (too bland to remember), which only meant lost time with the amazing stars of the show we’d all fallen for.

• Don’t hide your badass side. Future Hiro, wearing a black coat, ponytail, and samurai sword, is badass. Unfortunately, the show never actualized this version of Hiro in real time, so we never got to see Hiro’s darker side. Don’t wait to bust out your inner badass. If you’ve got a dark, sexy side that no one gets to see, just throw on your best leather outfit and let your freaky side out.

• Don’t try to be normal. This is more a classic superhero plot point than it is a flaw with Heroes, but many of the main characters, including Claire and Nathan, longed to be rid of their abilities and be normal, which led to some problems for everyone. The lesson is that you have to be okay with who you are; trying to fit in and be normal at best makes you boring, and at worst leads to a police state complete with internment camps for deviants (just ask Danko).

• Don’t lose your powers. Both Hiro and Peter lost their powers because of a crappy resurrection of Peter’s dad, who came back, added nothing to the show, then promptly died off. We all dated those people who we thought were going to be important and that we’d learn from, only to have them disappear and mean very little to our lives. Don’t let those insignificant people take away part of who you are. You’ll need those powers when the right person comes along.

• Don’t assume you’ll have another season. Clearly, the writers of Heroes thought they were going to have more time to develop their story. I mean, they went through a whole season with Hiro and Peter having no abilities? WTF? Ugh. If you’ve got some good moves or good ideas in the bedroom, don’t save them for later. You may not have another chance to wow a lover.

I will miss Heroes if it is not renewed, not because it was amazing, but because I wanted it to have another chance to correct its mistakes. But unlike this show, you have a chance to avoid or fix those mistakes now – before you fade off onto the D-list of shitty sex partners.

If you think women complain a lot, you should hear what we have to say about you in bed. Whenever I get down to some good girl talk, there are certain inevitable complaints about men and sex that come up. The top 3 sex mistakes men make are common topics of discussion, and by discussion, I mean criticism. So what are they?

1. No interest in her pleasure. Seriously?! If you’re not interested in your partner’s pleasure, then why not masturbate? It would be much easier. If you know you’re going to want to pass out after your orgasm, make sure she comes first. If you don’t know how to make her orgasm, talk to her about what she likes and what she gets off on. If you really don’t care about a woman’s pleasure (but want to have sex with women), do us a favor and just shoot yourself in the face.

2. Just doing the “hard and fast.” Jackhammer sex is just about the worst thing for women. My friends and I call it “high school sex,” as in, “Oh, it was so awful. It was like high school sex. I’m never going out with him again.” Start off slow with your lady friend, and understand that most of the sensation in her vagina is in the outer third, so there’s no need to be hammering away at her cervix.

3. Not paying attention to her clit. Numbers range, but 50%-80% of women cannot orgasm through intercourse alone. That means that during sex play, you should still pay attention to her clit, either using your hands, her hands, toys, or trying positions that are better for clitoral stimulation, such as modified missionary or woman on top.

A common cause of all three of these mistakes is often a misunderstanding of female anatomy. Sexual intercourse feels different to women than men because the organ on our bodies that is most like the penis is actually the clit, not the vagina. So while you may be having a good time humping away, it can be less than thrilling for many of us. I’m sorry if porn didn’t teach you this, but now you have the chance to redeem yourself by taking the time and care to learn what pleases her.

While it takes two to tango, sometimes it just takes one to ruin a night of good sex. Surprisingly, there’s a fair amount of agreement among men when it comes to top sex complaints and women. So grab a cosmo, and make sure none of these top 3 sex mistakes apply to you.

1. Being insecure. While there are lots of things conspiring to make women insecure, sex is not one of the times to indulge those insecurities. Men love naked women. Period. Sure, he may drool over Jessica Alba, but he’s happy to have your real body in his presence anytime. Do you have performance anxiety? Stop worrying; it detracts from both partners’ pleasure.

2. Just lying there. The women’s movement didn’t take place so that you can just lie there during sex. Get into it, girl! Own your own pleasure, and watch how turned on he will be by you getting into it.

3. Not being adventurous. Sex gets some bad PR, what with all the messaging that it’s dirty and evil, but that puritanical crap should not keep you from having a good time. Plain ol’ missionary with the lights out gets boring. Don’t be afraid to tap into your fantasies and spice things up . . . for both of you.

A general message you can take from these top 3 mistakes is: be confident! Being confident about who you are and what you like in bed is just about the sexiest thing a woman can do.

From what we’ve gather from talking to our dear girlfriends and watching every season of Sex in the City, there are a few common complaints from women on cunnilingus. Below are the top 3 complaints we’ve heard from women when it comes to eating a girl out.

1. Complaining/joking about the way women taste. Yeah, the fish jokes are all hilarious, but if you want to get near a vagina, then you need to get over the smell factor. Oh, and stop acting like you’re in middle school. Each woman has her own unique taste and smell, so if you’ve had an unpleasant experience before, don’t give up on the muff diving yet.

2. Oral sex is not foreplay. Going down on a woman seems to be a quick and effective way to get her aroused and wet. In reality, if she’s not already turned on, it can feel irritating. Get her warmed up by kissing and teasing her all over, or by telling her how hot she is and how much you want her, before licking her sweet spot.

3. Stop switching it up. Variety may be the spice of life, but unless you want to be down there for 45 minutes, it is not good for cunnilingus. If you happen upon something she likes, keep doing that. Don’t move, don’t speed up, don’t increase pressure, don’t even breath unless she asks you to.

Avoid these 3 mistakes, and she’ll be purring. And, ladies, there are some mistakes you can avoid on the receiving end, too. Check out our cunnilingus etiquette for some oral sex advice.