Cumming to Terms with the Female Orgasm, Pt I

Doug Dalton is a good friend and guest blogger who happens to be in “new relationship phase,” so of course, we wanted to get the juicy (and awkward) details from him on how it’s going. Doug eats, drinks, and dates in San Francisco, though he is most successful with the drinking.

In my last post on first-time sex with a new partner, I described the male orgasm as a foregone conclusion. For most men, if we’re having sex, then it’s going to happen, and often much sooner then we would prefer, tell our friends, or have led young ladies to believe. Conversely, my experience has been that the female orgasm is no guarantee, and often elusive. Many a woman (how many I care not mention) has not reached orgasm via intercourse with me, but luckily it’s been common enough to spare my ego.

For most men, their own orgasm is important, but bringing a woman to orgasm is also important. It signifies the completion of something and results in a sense of accomplishment and mutual satisfaction. Don’t get me wrong, men are not waiting for Alfred Nobel to show up at the front door, but the idea that something is happening as a direct cause of one’s own actions has a nice quality to it that most people (not just men) can appreciate.

To put it bluntly: making a woman cum is hot, and guys like it. If only it were easy.

Recently I became sexually active with a woman who I have not been able to bring to orgasm via intercourse. This is the result of more than one thing likely; some mix of me and her. Maybe it’s just me, who knows? And that’s the kicker. “Who knows” is the wrong question. “What is the best way for me to work with her to get her to orgasm” is a better question, and the answer will require “a talk.” Communicating about sex is the only way that will lead both you and her to what is hopefully a shared goal.

Waiting to stumble upon the answer will not work. It certainly didn’t work with other women. Save stumbling for your web browser. By having a conversation about her orgasm, a few things can happen.

• You will let her know that you actually care that her physically needs are being met. This alone may make her feel more comfortable and open around you. You may also find she is relieved or excited to talk about it. Neither of those seem like bad things.

• You might get some instruction out of it. Let’s be honest - a road map would be nice. While vaginas are shaped similarly, they don’t all work the same way. And, boy, you can get lost once in a while.

• She might tell you that she can’t orgasm from intercourse alone. Period. That’s not to say it isn’t a worthwhile endeavor, but at least it let’s you know where to prioritize your efforts. That’s why it’s never a bad idea to be good at going down on a woman, and be open to other ways of getting her off.

So that’s what I am going to do – talk to her about it. And if I wasn’t such a pussy, I would even bring it up sober. Luckily for her and the liquor industry, that won’t happen. With any luck, I’ll be writing, “what happens when you make a girl cum too much” soon.