I was doing some “lady gardening” the other day when I made a terrible mistake. Now I have a huge bald spot in the middle of my Bermuda triangle. In a moment of sheer panic, I weighed my options regarding what one should with a botched trim job of this magnitude.
- The Combover. My first thought, since the accident occurred in the first overconfident stroke with the trimmer, was to do a combover. While pomade might not be made for pussy, surely it could take care of the job. The combover also had the potential of starting a new trend, like 80s feather bangs. The challenge, of course, was that the side pubes really weren’t long enough to provide much coverage, so the end result would just be the appearance that my hair grows in the wrong direction.
- Hair Replacement. The second obvious solution was hair replacement, as in cut hair from other parts of my body and glue it onto the bald patch. This approach assumes that the curtains match the drapes. I have seen this done only once before, when a male friend wanted to participate in a pube burning ritual, but had no pubes. He borrowed some of my husband’s beard and glued it on his nether regions. It looked about as realistic as the plastic surgery in Team America. Plus, I only had a glue stick, which seemed messy, and not strong enough. I would need airplane glue to really pull it off.
- Bald Beaver. Another option was to cut my losses and go totally bald. This is the most respectable approach for men who are losing their hair, so it makes sense that it be the most respectable option when you have a giant bald spot in your pubic region. I have not gone totally bare since college, but I remember the re-growth phase to be horrible, much worse than just having a bald spot. Plus, it seemed like it would be itchy, and therefore conflict with my gym routine.
- Shapes! In a creative burst, I also thought I could make it into a shape, like a star or a heart, and even color it in after with a Sharpie. Then I considered the fact that I had given myself a baldspot in the first place, and realized I might not have the skill or dexterity to pull off such a move.
In the end, I decided to live with my bald spot and vowed to be more careful in the future. Landscaping is an art, and should not be done carelessly on a Monday afternoon in a poorly-lit shower. In the future, I will wear my contacts to improve my peripheral vision, find the stupid attachments that go on the trimmer (no more freehanding), and really pay attention. In the meantime, I hope cute panties are enough of a distraction.
25 comments ↓
I would’ve shaved baldy without a second thought
Were Zebra stripes an option?
Zebra stripes! I can’t believe I forgot that one . . .
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I would vote for shave it bald or make an interesting shape.
Peace
the Donkey Show.
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