Are You Really Bored With Your Sex Life?

Many people complain about having boring sex lives, and I have to wonder: are they really that boring, or are their perspectives skewed when they compare themselves to others or sex in the media?

I’ve been thinking about, and writing about, boring sex a lot lately. A boring sex life is a common complaint, especially among couples, and one that there are a number of solutions for. Boring sex is primarily the result of predictability - when the what, when, how, and with whom of sex makes it a bit dull.

There are some people that are just boring lovers, too. Whether they are controlled by insecurities or inhibitions, prefer routine and fear experimentation, or just are inconsiderate and disrespectful when it comes to sex, some people are just boring in bed. They, too, have things they can avoid or try to stop being boring lovers.

But while boring sex is a real problem for many people, I also have to wonder if it isn’t an artificial concern for some, if their perspectives of what constitutes good sex make them less satisfied with their own sex lives. Specifically, I wonder if the way sex is portrayed in the media makes people less satisfied with their own sex lives.

We are saturated with sex in the media in a number of forms – from the definitions of what’s sexy in fashion and beauty, to exposes of people’s “real” sex lives on reality TV, to ideas of what sex is in mainstream porn. With all of these often unrealistic standards to compare to, it’s no wonder that many people feel unsatisfied with their own lives. Just as one might feel let down about their wardrobe, house, or career if they compared it to what they see in movies, so to would they be disappointed in their lovers and sex lives.

We naturally compare ourselves to others to make sure we aren’t too outside of the norm (a survival strategy, according to evolutionary psychology). The practice of comparing and ranking is only reinforced in most institutions, like school and the workplace, where we place value on who performs better according to rigid standards. So this habit is pretty deeply entrenched by the time we start our adult lives. It also has no value. But we aren’t taught how to measure our satisfaction against our own desires and realities; we don’t know how to decide we’re happy without comparing ourselves to others (or, more cynically, by being better off than others).

The next time you think you are missing out on some exciting sexual experience, ask yourself why. Is there something you really want to try or that is missing, or are you envious of your single friend’s exploits, or curious about that threesome hot tub scene on Temptation Island? It’s an important distinction to make – to uncover what you really want and desire, versus letting an external source make you feel like your life is less than happy.