Cumming to Terms With the Male Orgasm

Photo by Mazintosh on Flickr used under Creative Commons License.

My friend Doug recently wrote about the elusiveness of the female orgasm in contrast to the ease of the male orgasm. I know the statistics on the female orgasm and I’ve heard the personal stories of friends who couldn’t orgasm during intercourse, so I get that it’s a real challenge for both men and women. I just wonder if there isn’t a little mystery that we’re overlooking when it comes to the male orgasm.

The notion that the male orgasm is a given seems unfair. Certainly, it’s not elusive; it can end up on your face, for fuck’s sake. But is it really all that easy, to be taken for granted?

When I first became sexually active in my teens, boys cumming during sex play was as easy and obvious as flannel shirts and Doc Martens. It certainly wasn’t from any skill or technique on my behalf, so I just bought into my proscribed gender role as passive agent in the act. I didn’t have to do much of anything to get him off.

It never really occurred to me that maybe those orgasms, while seemingly easy, weren’t satisfying or dynamic. There was little work, but no big payoff.

It wasn’t until I was with a more communicative partner who had to tell me that he had different kinds of orgasms – good ones, bad ones, deep ones, shallow ones – that I even considered that men had any sexual complexity.

Now, years later, I understand that men and women aren’t as different as we’re led to believe, and that you have to communicate with each other to uncover what really gets the other off. So sit down with your man and ask him what makes him hot; don’t take his orgasm for granted. You might just accomplish a few things:

• Let him know that you care, and that you’re game. Asking him what would bring him more sexual satisfaction lets him know that you care about his physical pleasure, and that you’re open to trying things that may heighten the sexual experience.

• You’ll gain empowerment. Instead of perpetuating the notion that women are passive during sex, take the initiative to find out what will give him a more powerful orgasm. You’ll feel more confident and in control once you assume more responsibility in your sex life.

• You’ll learn a thing or two. You just might learn some new hot spots on him, which will make you a more aware and considerate lover.

Put a little mystery back into the male orgasm and re-learn what you think you know. He’ll be happy that you do.