whoopie school

Some will say that Thanksgiving is about gratitude, others will say it’s about our pilgrims-and-Indians heritage, but let’s be clear on what Thanksgiving is really all about – unadulterated hedonism. If your Thanksgiving does not begin with drinks at 9am and end with you passed out with your pants undone, then perhaps this does not apply to you. But if overeating, binge-drinking, and merriment is what your Thanksgiving is all about, we’re on the same page.

One of the problems on Thanksgiving, of course, is that it’s nearly impossible to have sex. You have a few days off from work, you’re cozy and in good company, and you’re indulging in sensual pleasures all day long. Perfect day for some loving, right? Wrong! If the turkey doesn’t put your butt to sleep, stomach bloat, annoying relatives, drunkenness, or football addiction will keep you from getting laid. Not that sex is a requirement, like, say, gravy is, but it seems like it rounds out an otherwise self-indulgent day perfectly. Plus, it has to help with digestion. So how do you save room for sex? Here are some tips:

• Instead of a turkey trot, try a turkey fuck. If you know you’re not going to get to fooling around when the option of turkey and stuffing sandwiches is beckoning you, then have morning sex. Many people rise early on Thanksgiving to do a road race before the big meal; stay inside and get your workout done in the bedroom. It’s the perfect way to get some exercise and begin your day relaxed, at least until your in-laws arrive.

• Sneak in a quickie. Grandpa fell asleep on the couch, the aunts are wrapping up leftovers, the cousins are watching the game – quick! Find an empty room, or feign intestinal issues and lock yourselves away in the bathroom. It will be a good break, and still give you plenty of access to leftovers.

• Late-night “snack.” Instead of making that midnight crawl to the kitchen for one more bite of mashed potatoes, nibble on your lover’s ear instead, and maybe her neck and nipples, too. If full-on sex is too daunting on a full stomach, light petting and oral sex is always a good substitute. At least your mouth will be plenty warmed up for the activity.

Tags: sex and thanksgiving, sex on holidays, sexy thanksgiving, thanksgiving and sex