Whoopie School

"Do you ever look at women who exude sexuality and sensuality with envy? You can have the same power of attraction ... you just need to express yourself sexually."

How To Express Yourself Sexually

Do you ever feel like you are missing out during sex, like you really aren't letting yourself go? Does sex cause more anxiety than pleasure? I was shocked when a girlfriend of mine recently shared this:

"I'm not sure if I ever had an orgasm. When I have sex with my boyfriend, it feels good, but I end up worrying that I don't look good enough or that he's not having a good time."

Now, this is a beautiful woman saying this, and I just left the conversation wondering how many women are missing out because of insecurities and inhibitions when they're having sex.

I realized that many women have trouble expressing themselves sexually because we grow up with so many negative messages about sex. There is a strong message that our bodies are shameful, and that sex is a dirty act done by promiscuous women. There is also an equally powerful message in the media that only certain types of women, namely very thin ones, are attractive. A lot of those messages get internalized even if you didn't grow up in a home that taught them. The result is that women feel bad about their appearance and are afraid that if they are too aggressive and enjoy sex too much, that they are not good women.

It is hard work, but the first step to sexually expressing yourself is to challenge those messages. Your insecurities are not going to go away over night, but they will be easier to manage over time. For example, instead of saying, "I hate my thighs" you can start to say, "I'm insecure about my thighs because the media tells me they're too big. But my husband likes them, and they're strong and able, so they're okay with me."

See what I did there? I re-framed a common insecurity into something positive. You can do that with all of your insecurities and inhibitions.

Go ahead, try it. List the things that you're insecure about, then try to give it a context or a positive spin. Instead of saying, "I hate my beer belly" try to say, "I understand that I don't like my stomach because it's not flat like the air-brushed pictures in magazines, but my curviness is really soft and womanly." The goal of the exercise is to take away some of the power your insecurities have over you, especially when it comes to enjoying sex.

After reflecting on your insecurities and inhibitions, here are some other things to try to help you express yourself sexually.

Fantasize. Spend some time reflecting on what you find arousing. You can do this just by daydreaming, or reading some erotica to see what turns you on. Your fantasies give you insight into what you like sexually, and aren't meant to be judged or deemed wrong. Remember, you don't have to act them all out, just get more in touch with your sexuality.

Awareness of body image. Feeling bad about your body and appearance is a roadblock to sexual enjoyment (I would say life enjoyment) ... don't let body image ruin your sex life. Be aware of your self-image, and also be aware of the influences that shape it. Look around at the real people (not celebrities) that you find attractive, and you'll likely find that they're not perfect, but still appealing. You have this same power.

Values, attitudes, and beliefs. Reflect on your attitude toward sex. Where did it come from? What shaped it? Are there any ideas that are worth challenging? For example, the idea that the body is dirty is worth reconsidering. Your body allows you to do and feel amazing things, how bad can it be? You're allowed to make your own decisions when it comes to what's right about sex.

Be sensual. Take time to pamper yourself and pay extra attention to sensual experiences; these will help you tap into your sexuality. Pay attention to the sun kissing your skin as you walk down the street, the feel of that bit of cleavage poking out. Light candles, take bubble baths, eat slowly and richly. All these experiences will enliven your senses and remind you that you are a sexual being.

Give yourself permission to let go. As you do the work of understanding your feelings on sexuality and awakening yourself to sexual possibility, be kind and give yourself permission to let go. If you want to make one of your fantasies a reality, give it a whirl. We are often our own worst critic, so make a commitment to yourself not to be so harsh. Have fun!

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