whoopie school

The go-to advice for every problem, whether it’s related to dating or job hunting or sex, seems to be “be more confident!” This is sound advice, except . . . WTF does it mean? We all have images of confidence, and would probably agree that there’s a quality of power and attraction that comes with along with it, but it’s sort of ephemeral at the same time, right?

So how do you be more confident? Well, I think when most people try to do it, they do so by imitation. They mimic the idea they have of confidence rather than actually become confident. Maybe your picture of confidence is loud guy in suit with firm handshake. There’s nothing wrong with loud guy, but if you’re dorky, quiet guy, trying to be loud guy might not translate well. Ditto for women. If you think a confident woman is the bawdy, sexually available blonde bombshell, and you’re mousy, dark-humor girl, well . . .  Trying out different personas is great if it helps you find your your own way of being confident, but pure imitation doesn’t add much value. Fake confidence doesn’t bring any more happiness, no matter how successfully you pull it off.

Loud guy and bombshell aren’t the only types of people who are successful, get laid, and fall in love. Think of all the quiet confident people you’ve come across before. I’ve been blown away by all kinds of self-possessed, comfortable people. The kind where at first you might be like, “no, he’s not as attractive as me” or “no, she’s not as smart as me” and then, “yup, you’re definitely more confident, and owning me right now.” I love when people surprise me in that way, all by being damn good at being themselves.

Oh, right, since this is a sex blog, I guess I’ll get to my point. I’ve talked about sexual confidence before, and realize that that might be meaningless without definition. So, to me, sexual confidence is about knowing who you are and having the courage to be yourself sexually by respecting your desires and boundaries, indulging in your fantasies, and celebrating the pleasure your body can bring. To achieve that kind of sexual confidence, for reals, I think there are two simple, yet difficult, steps:

• Know thyself. Put down the Cosmo or the Maxim mag, and really think about what you think is sexy. Assess your best features, emotional, intellectual, and physical. Mine your sexual fantasies for insight into what turns you on. Explore your body for clues into what you like physically. Evaluate your boundaries and grip firmly to the ones you believe in (i.e. - I will always have safe sex) and challenge the ones you think are artificial (i.e. - maybe anal play doesn’t make me gay). While you can never really separate “you” from the varying influences that have shaped you, you can start to identify what beliefs or values don’t enhance your life and make you feel good about who you are. Sexual confidence is rooted in understanding yourself.

• Play to your strengths. Once you’ve got yourself all figured out (ha!), now it’s time to feature the best parts of you. If you know what makes you sexy, what turns you on, and what you like, others will pick up on that vibe. Don’t worry if you don’t fit the stereotypical definition of sexy, be yourself and you will draw people that are into you. Authenticity functions like a magnet; sexual confidence is about being you.

A theme seems to have emerged in this week’s posts. We tend to look to others for external feedback and reassurance, whether it’s about sex trends, sexual satisfaction, or sexual attraction (among may other things). And while there is some benefit to this practice in that we can learn from one another, the effect is largely detrimental. How can we decide what to do sexually based on what others do? How can we determine what we think great sex is based on others’ definitions? How can we choose who we’re attracted to based on the input of others?

The natural human tendency to want to belong to the larger group has been grossly exploited, resulting in rampant insecurity and inauthenticity.  As a young woman, I suffered with insecurity in so many ways that resulted in dieting at age 14 (at 110lbs!), engaging in sex acts so as not to disappoint the other person, and feeling inadequate after “girl talk” if I wasn’t like everyone else, to name a few examples. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to overcome a lot of that insecurity and live more truly to who I think I am. It’s not always easy, but there are ways to shut out external messaging and to focus more on your internal desires and feelings. Here are three simple actions that have helped me get more attuned to my own desires and beliefs:

• Think/reflect/meditate. If we spend most of our time as passive consumers of messaging, then we’re going to be riddled with the conflicting feelings of being both inadequate and craving a cheeseburger (or whatever other product is being schlepped). Spending some quiet time with your thoughts is a good way to separate them from other ones you internalize. Simply shut up, shut out the chatter, and bask in yourself. You’ll either find that things are better than you think, or terrifying enough to inspire authentic change. Take the red pill.

• Have some perspective. You can focus on those that have more and look better, or you can remember that there are so many people who right now have it far worse than you. Choose gratitude over jealousy as often as you can.

• Nurture good relationships, ditch the rest. Grow the relationships in your life in which you share a mutual acceptance, support, and care for one another. Ditch anyone who is parasitic, overly competitive, or just plain negative. When you surround yourself with people who like you for who you are, it becomes easier to like yourself the same way.