whoopie school

The go-to advice for every problem, whether it’s related to dating or job hunting or sex, seems to be “be more confident!” This is sound advice, except . . . WTF does it mean? We all have images of confidence, and would probably agree that there’s a quality of power and attraction that comes with along with it, but it’s sort of ephemeral at the same time, right?

So how do you be more confident? Well, I think when most people try to do it, they do so by imitation. They mimic the idea they have of confidence rather than actually become confident. Maybe your picture of confidence is loud guy in suit with firm handshake. There’s nothing wrong with loud guy, but if you’re dorky, quiet guy, trying to be loud guy might not translate well. Ditto for women. If you think a confident woman is the bawdy, sexually available blonde bombshell, and you’re mousy, dark-humor girl, well . . .  Trying out different personas is great if it helps you find your your own way of being confident, but pure imitation doesn’t add much value. Fake confidence doesn’t bring any more happiness, no matter how successfully you pull it off.

Loud guy and bombshell aren’t the only types of people who are successful, get laid, and fall in love. Think of all the quiet confident people you’ve come across before. I’ve been blown away by all kinds of self-possessed, comfortable people. The kind where at first you might be like, “no, he’s not as attractive as me” or “no, she’s not as smart as me” and then, “yup, you’re definitely more confident, and owning me right now.” I love when people surprise me in that way, all by being damn good at being themselves.

Oh, right, since this is a sex blog, I guess I’ll get to my point. I’ve talked about sexual confidence before, and realize that that might be meaningless without definition. So, to me, sexual confidence is about knowing who you are and having the courage to be yourself sexually by respecting your desires and boundaries, indulging in your fantasies, and celebrating the pleasure your body can bring. To achieve that kind of sexual confidence, for reals, I think there are two simple, yet difficult, steps:

• Know thyself. Put down the Cosmo or the Maxim mag, and really think about what you think is sexy. Assess your best features, emotional, intellectual, and physical. Mine your sexual fantasies for insight into what turns you on. Explore your body for clues into what you like physically. Evaluate your boundaries and grip firmly to the ones you believe in (i.e. - I will always have safe sex) and challenge the ones you think are artificial (i.e. - maybe anal play doesn’t make me gay). While you can never really separate “you” from the varying influences that have shaped you, you can start to identify what beliefs or values don’t enhance your life and make you feel good about who you are. Sexual confidence is rooted in understanding yourself.

• Play to your strengths. Once you’ve got yourself all figured out (ha!), now it’s time to feature the best parts of you. If you know what makes you sexy, what turns you on, and what you like, others will pick up on that vibe. Don’t worry if you don’t fit the stereotypical definition of sexy, be yourself and you will draw people that are into you. Authenticity functions like a magnet; sexual confidence is about being you.