whoopie school

A theme seems to have emerged in this week’s posts. We tend to look to others for external feedback and reassurance, whether it’s about sex trends, sexual satisfaction, or sexual attraction (among may other things). And while there is some benefit to this practice in that we can learn from one another, the effect is largely detrimental. How can we decide what to do sexually based on what others do? How can we determine what we think great sex is based on others’ definitions? How can we choose who we’re attracted to based on the input of others?

The natural human tendency to want to belong to the larger group has been grossly exploited, resulting in rampant insecurity and inauthenticity.  As a young woman, I suffered with insecurity in so many ways that resulted in dieting at age 14 (at 110lbs!), engaging in sex acts so as not to disappoint the other person, and feeling inadequate after “girl talk” if I wasn’t like everyone else, to name a few examples. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to overcome a lot of that insecurity and live more truly to who I think I am. It’s not always easy, but there are ways to shut out external messaging and to focus more on your internal desires and feelings. Here are three simple actions that have helped me get more attuned to my own desires and beliefs:

• Think/reflect/meditate. If we spend most of our time as passive consumers of messaging, then we’re going to be riddled with the conflicting feelings of being both inadequate and craving a cheeseburger (or whatever other product is being schlepped). Spending some quiet time with your thoughts is a good way to separate them from other ones you internalize. Simply shut up, shut out the chatter, and bask in yourself. You’ll either find that things are better than you think, or terrifying enough to inspire authentic change. Take the red pill.

• Have some perspective. You can focus on those that have more and look better, or you can remember that there are so many people who right now have it far worse than you. Choose gratitude over jealousy as often as you can.

• Nurture good relationships, ditch the rest. Grow the relationships in your life in which you share a mutual acceptance, support, and care for one another. Ditch anyone who is parasitic, overly competitive, or just plain negative. When you surround yourself with people who like you for who you are, it becomes easier to like yourself the same way.