As I’ve talked about before, the female orgasm can be elusive sometimes, especially when you are with a new partner and you’re figuring out what gets her off. I suggested in my last post that the best way to attack the challenge is to talk to her about it. Um, yeah. While communication is arguably the single most important element in any relationship (though a nice rack doesn’t hurt), knowing that and acting on it are two different things, as I recently discovered.

It’s hard to turn to a woman and ask her about her level of sexual satisfaction in any natural or sexy way – it ends up sounding either clinical or creepy. You make yourself vulnerable and open to the possibility of being told (no matter how nicely) that you are an unsatisfactory lover. And she is put on the spot to explain what she likes, and how you could do it better.

I decided that good sex is more important than my fragile ego, so I forged ahead with “The Talk.” Despite the fact that “The Talk” about her orgasm was more difficult than I expected, I still think it’s the best way to figure things out. After building up a little bit of courage, I dove into the conversation head on, asking honest and forthright questions.

In the end, the conversation went well. I got a good idea how to bring her to orgasm, and we were able to talk about each others’ needs and how we could try and meet them. Looking back at the conversation, some tips stand out:

Be as honest as you can. It sounds stupid and obvious, but the little things you hide now are much harder to explain later.

Laugh. If you are walking into this like you are walking into a funeral, then you are over-thinking it. Don’t take yourself so seriously. Focus on the fact that you are working on having better sex - nothing bad there.  But….

Skip the jokes. For the hour or less it takes to talk about whatever issue you are dealing with, keep the sarcasm and jokes to yourself.  You don’t have to be awkwardly serious, but be sensitive to the fact that your jokes may not translate well in the context of a conversation about sex.*

Ask questions. Open, general questions make it easier to get the conversation started, and help you get specific information.

Get the ball rolling and let her fill in the blanks with questions like:

• Does she like a light touch or a stronger touch most of the time?
• How often should you change the intensity of your touch? When?
• What pace does she like to be touched at? Fast, slow, or varied?
• Where does she like to be kissed?
• What sex positions does she enjoy the most? What positions would she like to try?
• What can you do during intercourse to help her get off? Touch her clit, encourage her to touch herself, incorporate sex toys like a vibrating cock ring?

These tips should be a good starting point to finding out how to help her orgasm. Plus, you’ll be the good guy that interested in her pleasure and that has the balls to ask how you can do better. Over time, the sex conversations will only get easier, so just get started.

* Like, for example, when talking about what sex positions she prefers that she most easily comes from, don’t say, “I would never do that kind of thing” and leave the room. She may not find it funny.

Holly recently wrote about a common complaint among many of the couples we talk to: boredom in the bedroom. In her post, she postulates that perhaps they are not truly bored, but instead they have been mislead by the media, manipulated by mainstream porn, and rick rolled by “reality” TV. I, on the other hand, think that is total shite (like they say in England) - people are bored with their sex lives because they have boring sex lives.

While the images on television may not portray the everyday sex lives of people, that doesn’t mean that they do not tap into or represent something sexual within us. So if seeing sex on the screen makes you dissatisfied with your sex life, it probably means your sex life is boring.

As an analogy, let’s take basketball. The NBA represents the very best of the very best, taking the top .03% (numbers vary depending on source, but you get the idea) of the athlete pool and in no way portrays the everyday pickup games of people. However, I watch the NBA, during which the media saturates me with images of “what basketball should look like.”

So if it’s actually the media commercializing only a very select non-representative group of elite athletes, does that mean that I am not actually horrible at basketball, and that it’s just my self-image that i have to work on? NO, clearly not. I suck at basketball because I suck at basketball. Watching the NBA only reinforces that fact.

Secondly, many of these people turn out to be bored in comparison to previous sexual experiences they have had. By comparing their current sex lives to past sexual experiences, a person decides which was better or worse, more fun or less, exciting or boring.

Just as I don’t believe that video games cause gun violence and Marilyn Manson doesn’t drive people to suicide, TV doesn’t make you bored with your sex life. Your boring sex life does.

I step away from my laptop for two days to eat ham and chocolate, and wake to find a shitstorm (where shitstorm=500+ tweets) brewing on Twitter regarding #amazonfail. Basically, it appears that Amazon has taken steps to de-list and de-rank books with “adult” themes, which has affected titles related to LGBT, sexuality, sex education, erotica, feminism, sex and disabillity, and even classic literature (Lady Chatterley’s Lover? Giovanni’s Room? Really?!).

Many people are outraged, including the authors who are losing sales and the marginalized communities they wrote for that are being targeted. So far, Amazon has responded that it was a glitch. Here are some of the best articles I’ve read today on the Amazon Fail controversy.

Is this book (or its author) too gay for an Amazon? Heather Corinna’s post on Amazon discussing the implications for already marginalized groups if certain books become harder or impossible to find.

Amazon.com anti-GLBT “Glitch” Infuriates Web 2.0 Denizens The Darklady summarizes the Amazon FAIL, and covers the power of Twitter, the lack of a competent response from Amazon, and what books have been targeted in the mass de-listings.

AmazonFAIL: How Online Social Tools Can Wreak Havoc … Deanna Zandt looks at the tech side of the controversy, including how social media tools like Twitter were used to raise awareness, and how it’s possible that the de-listings are the result of a “distributed attack” rather than an Amazon policy change.

I’m interested to see how Amazon will respond over the next few days. I loath any steps taken to deny people access to books of whatever content, so if this is not in fact a result of a “glitch” or an algorithm error or something, I hope the outrage and activism continues.

Many people complain about having boring sex lives, and I have to wonder: are they really that boring, or are their perspectives skewed when they compare themselves to others or sex in the media?

I’ve been thinking about, and writing about, boring sex a lot lately. A boring sex life is a common complaint, especially among couples, and one that there are a number of solutions for. Boring sex is primarily the result of predictability - when the what, when, how, and with whom of sex makes it a bit dull.

There are some people that are just boring lovers, too. Whether they are controlled by insecurities or inhibitions, prefer routine and fear experimentation, or just are inconsiderate and disrespectful when it comes to sex, some people are just boring in bed. They, too, have things they can avoid or try to stop being boring lovers.

But while boring sex is a real problem for many people, I also have to wonder if it isn’t an artificial concern for some, if their perspectives of what constitutes good sex make them less satisfied with their own sex lives. Specifically, I wonder if the way sex is portrayed in the media makes people less satisfied with their own sex lives.

We are saturated with sex in the media in a number of forms – from the definitions of what’s sexy in fashion and beauty, to exposes of people’s “real” sex lives on reality TV, to ideas of what sex is in mainstream porn. With all of these often unrealistic standards to compare to, it’s no wonder that many people feel unsatisfied with their own lives. Just as one might feel let down about their wardrobe, house, or career if they compared it to what they see in movies, so to would they be disappointed in their lovers and sex lives.

We naturally compare ourselves to others to make sure we aren’t too outside of the norm (a survival strategy, according to evolutionary psychology). The practice of comparing and ranking is only reinforced in most institutions, like school and the workplace, where we place value on who performs better according to rigid standards. So this habit is pretty deeply entrenched by the time we start our adult lives. It also has no value. But we aren’t taught how to measure our satisfaction against our own desires and realities; we don’t know how to decide we’re happy without comparing ourselves to others (or, more cynically, by being better off than others).

The next time you think you are missing out on some exciting sexual experience, ask yourself why. Is there something you really want to try or that is missing, or are you envious of your single friend’s exploits, or curious about that threesome hot tub scene on Temptation Island? It’s an important distinction to make – to uncover what you really want and desire, versus letting an external source make you feel like your life is less than happy.

Engaging in sex play can be like embarking on an adventure – one in which you are an explorer mapping uncharted areas of sensual pleasure. Instead of always taking the known roads, venture off into the wilds of your partner’s body to heighten the excitement and sexual pleasure.

To do so, you need to explore new erogenous zones. Erogenous zones, those areas of the body with heightened sensitivity, trigger sensual pleasure and sexual arousal when stimulated. While there are a few obvious erogenous zones, such as the mouth, nipples, genitals, and anus, there are a number of underused erogenous zones that, if stimulated, will increase the anticipation and excitement of sex.

So imagine yourself to be a bold explorer, and check out these 14 possibly undiscovered erogenous zones. Prepare to caress, touch, pinch, massage, lick, suck, and kiss your way to previously unknown levels of pleasure. And while they are listed head to toe, every good adventurer knows that it’s okay to start with the feet.

1. Scalp
2. Eyelids
3. Ear lobes
4. Back of the neck
5. Clavicle
6. Shoulders
7. Inner elbow
8. Fingertips
9. Back
10. Buttocks
11. Perineum
12. Inner thighs
13. Back of the knees
14. Feet

Photo by MaribelPhotoDesign used under Creative Commons License.