With Christmas just around the corner, many out there are wondering whether they’ve been naughty or nice this year. Holly and Jason are tackling the issues that Santa just won’t touch, to give you a heads up on whether you should expect delightful presents under your tree or a lump of coal in your stocking.

Happy Endings: Holly Says

In nearly every neighborhood in San Francisco, you can find dimly lit massage parlors with names like “Moonlit Garden” and “Lotus Delight,” complete with a neon “open” sign and covered windows. They exude mystery and foreboding, unlike the tranquil, well-lit, high-priced spas that the city is also peppered with. It is hard to imagine that these seedy establishments can deliver a “happy ending,” but indeed they hold that promise.

As a woman, I’m sure the “Dragonfly Parlor” can’t service me as well as its male clientele. Further, I don’t understand the appeal. A romp with a prostitute in a dirty motel room seems more intimate than a handjob from an elderly Asian woman on a massage table. But perhaps it is the efficiency and sterility that makes the happy ending; it’s the like 7-11 of getting off. As far as I’m concerned, that’s why cell phones vibrate, but to each their own.

My gender-bias about the happy ending handjob aside, here’s how I think Santa would weigh in on the happy ending:

Happy endings are nice if . . .

• You’re single. If you’re a single dude getting an HJ at a parlor over your lunch break, it’s probably safer and less complicated than any other orgasmic experience with another person could be.

• It was a gift. If your woman is so kind and open-minded as to give the gift that keeps on stroking, then it sounds like you can have a happy ending and a happily ever after, too. Oh, and if your girlfriend or wife does get you a handjob as a gift, do pamper her with a trip to a day spa.

• You have an agreement. If you and your partner agree that a parlor is the best place to get a little extra stimulation on the side, then you don’t need Santa’s approval.

Happy endings are naughty if:

• You’re deceitful. Both Santa and your mother told you that lying is wrong. If your happy ending puts another’s happiness at risk because you’re being deceitful, that is just downright naughty. And not in a good way.

• You’re there when it’s raided. If you’re at a parlor when it’s raided, then you have a lot more to worry about than not getting presents this year.

• You don’t tip well. I support tipping well for any service, but certainly anything below the waist. I overtip my bikini waxer; you should overtip the first-generation immigrant who just wanked your weener.