whoopie school

As a boy, Saturday mornings held so much promise and excitement. I remember waking up and running to watch my favorite cartoons. I would sit in front of the TV in my feet pajamas and watch for hours. My favorite was toss up between the original He-Man and Transformers. Of course, in later years, I would become quite fond of The Gummy Bears.

I don’t care what generation you grew up in (binding that you grew up with television), every male remembers the excitement of Saturday morning cartoons. While Saturday morning cartoons was/is by no means a specifically MALE thing to do, I do believe (after having many conversations later in life), the excitement and fond memories ARE specifically a male thing.

Men will stop mid-conversation and join a group of people talking about cartoons. I’ve seen TONS of dudes jump out of their seat to tell a group what their favorite Saturday morning cartoon was.

… And guys don’t change.

You might think your man is all grown up, but down in the pit of his heart, he is still a stupid young boy and he still likes silly boy stuff. That’s why he’ll laugh when someone farts and will watch the movie Old School like it’s his religion.

You can use this boyish behavior to your benefit. Next Saturday, give him a new reason to be excited about waking up early and seizing the day…

Give him a Saturday Morning Blowjob

The Saturday morning blowjob is just like Saturday morning cartoons in that it gives him something to wake up and be wide-eyed and excited about. Here’s how to make it as amazing as those early, elated Saturday morning cartoons:

• Make it wet. Just like my soggy bowl of Lucky Charms when I’d watch TMNT, I like my Saturday Morning Blowjob to be extremely wet. Nothing says good morning like a woman that you love and desire drooling over the head of your cock.

• Get a firm grip. Like He-Man blazing his sword towards Castle Grayskull, have a little extra grip for the Saturday morning blowjob. In the morning a man’s senses can be a little dulled, so be firm.

• Make it noisy. I like my Saturday Morning Blowjob to have a lot of heavy moaning, reminiscent of all the sensory delights that are part of the cartoon-watching experience. I am not a huge moaning guy… sometimes it’s cool, other times it just seems too needy. But when you are giving a Saturday Morning Blowjob, do your man a favor and moan like you are like an amateur porn star on her first screening (for those not familiar – that means A LOT). It really sends the signal that you aren’t just giving this blowjob to be “a nice girl” but rather that you have been thinking all night about sucking the life out of his cock. Sure… maybe that’s not true but he won’t know the difference.

• Keep it PG-13. Keep you bra and panties on, or even cute pajamas, when you’re going down on him. The cute, girlish look goes with the innocence of the Saturday morning excitement; think of Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake. DO NOT get nude… keep it real.

Giving your man the best Saturday morning he’s had since he was able to watch the Care Bears at 8am may get you head, but if you’ve got other things on your Saturday agenda, I promise he’ll be open to:

• Doing that chore that he has been putting off. Maybe he forgot to fix something? Maybe he keeps putting off writing thank you letters? Either way, it’s done now.

• Making breakfast in bed for you. You think he is going to say NO to you laying around and asking for breakfast in bed? Let me put it this way: If your man does say NO then leave him immediately b/c he’s a fucking sexist pig.

• Going shopping. I don’t necessarily mean a shopping spree or that he’s going to buy you a million gifts. What I mean is that he will give you that comforting, lovable and patient browsing and window shopping that you really want.

• Forgetting post-work-week grumpiness. This is one of the biggest complaints (the grumpiness) of most women – and here is a way around it.

How do I know this is all possible? How do I know that he’ll do these things (and more) if he gets a Saturday Morning Blowjob? Well… for one, I’ve got one and I’m living proof.

But I realize that not every man is like me…

I know because this is the exact logic that our parents used on us when we were younger and watching Saturday morning cartoons. We got to watch cartoons and then had to be dragged out of the house to do whatever our moms wanted.

Same principle, new tactic – use the Saturday Morning Blowjob wisely.