whoopie school

Last week, I really liked a post on gourmet sex and erotic snobbery by Sex Geek. In it, she writes that she doesn’t engage in non-intense, mediocre sex, which she defines as disconnected sex. She says:

Mind-bending sex has nothing to do with a lover’s years of experience, list of conquests, or achievements in technical prowess. For me, it has everything to do with whether or not a lover is able to truly open and be vulnerable to me, and boldly step inside when I open to them. Good sex is dependent on connection, and connection is dependent on trust - on the other person allowing me to get inside them in places far deeper than an orifice or two.

I liked the post because, well, I think we each have an idea of what great sex means to us, and, further, we can have it, if we are open to experience, learning, effort, and restraint. Which is why I was surprised to read several negative comments in response to the post from people who felt it was condescending. So a woman says that sex isn’t worth having unless it’s amazing, and it implies disdain towards everyone else who thinks less of their sex lives?

I don’t assume to know exactly what irked the individual respondents to the post, but I suspect that it falls into two categories. One possibility is that that a person assumes that another’s great sex is better than his/hers, and so it becomes about inadequacy, or competition, or being less than. I think this relates to what I was trying to say yesterday about sex trends pressuring others to conform. For better or worse, many will compare their experiences and feel pressure to conform sexually to “trends” if they feel somehow inadequate, abnormal, or left out of an experience, however accurately assumed to be better.

The other possibility is a matter of self-worth.  If a person has the audacity to demand something good, it’s intimidating to others who can’t or won’t do that for themselves.

It reminds me of that bad word no one wants to be called in politics – elitist. Why is it such a bad thing to be selective, to refine one’s tastes? There is no universal definition of great sex; one person’s great sex is another’s ho-hum. Therefore, erotic snobs aren’t members of the same select club, they’re simply people who know what they like, expect to get it, and don’t settle until they do. Membership isn’t exclusive, it is elective, but you have to do the work to get in.

As Sex Geek says,

There’s simply no truly good reason to settle for cheaply produced, flat-tasting sex that’s lacking in nutritional value. Ick. I deserve better. Every single person on this planet deserves better. We can choose to give a whole new meaning to “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak” - in other words, rather than letting our bodies go ahead and do things while our minds sit in the corner and twiddle their thumbs until it’s over, we can choose to let our spirits and minds take the lead in every experience, and then our bodies can do nothing but follow. And I don’t know about you, but my mind can go to some interesting places indeed.

If my own renunciation of disconnected sex makes me an erotic snob, I’ll gladly accept the title. Better to bathe in erotic luxury – or even settle for the occasional sip - than drown in erotic mediocrity.

Bravo! Here’s to having the great sex YOU want, and believing you deserve it.