whoopie school

The first time I engaged in serious debate about what song was the sexiest, I was in 8^th grade, the year was 1992, and I hadn’t even had my first kiss yet. That did not stop this scrappy city girl from fighting with her new suburban hippy friend about the merits of L.L. Cool J’s “Doin’ It”. My friend, in return, made a passionate argument for Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.” Our friendship did not last into high school, but she did persuade me to expand my musical horizons, and soon my sexual fantasies went to the tune of Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” or Oasis’s “Wonderwall”.

Now that both my musical and sexual repertoires have matured, the best sex song debate is more complicated than ever. But it’s still fun to argue about, given the symbiotic relationship between music and sex. Clearly, each makes the other a little better. I’ve listed my favorite songs for every mood and situation below.

Best Sex like in the Movies Song – Into The Mystic, Van Morrison. If you want to make love in the middle of the day, with sunlight kissing your skin and Johnny Depp caressing your face, then this is the category for you. Movie sex, for those of you still trying to figure out what I’m talking about, is that beautiful, transcendent, tender kind of lovin’ that is cinematic in quality. Also consider: The Dirty Three, Neutral Milk Hotel, The Rachels, Postal Service.

Best Making Love Til the Morning Light Song – How Does It Feel, D’Angelo. This song is sexy, and it seems to last forever - just the way I like my booty. Also try: Al Green, Nina Simone, Marvin Gaye, L.L. Cool J.

Most Classic Sex Song – Wild Horses, Rolling Stones. This category is tough, because there is some steep competition, so just go ahead and make the canonical sex mix including: Dylan’s “Lay, Lady, Lay”, The Beatles “I Want You (She’s So Heavy)”, The Band’s “The Weight”. Soon to join the ranks in this group: Jeff Buckley, Ray LaMontagne.

Best One Night Stand Song – Leif Erikson, Interpol. I don’t know if it’s the apathetic and isolated sound of Interpol, or the fact that I would totally have meaningless sex with the hot bartender at the bar with this song on the jukebox, but this song is my top one-night stand jam. Other choices: Editors, Built to Spill, Arcade Fire.

Best Sex with Your Clothes On Song – My Love, Justin Timberlake. Yep, this category is about songs that make you think about sex even when you’re just at the club with your friends. Others in this group: Prince, Lovemakers, Peaches, pre-pedophile Michael Jackson (Think “Rock With You”).

Best Animalistic Fucking Song – Closer, NIN. I know, obvious, but the chorus is “I want to fuck you like an animal,” so . . . When you want it raw: Tool, Depeche Mode.