Image courtesy of in pastel used under Creative Commons.

Just as the snow was beginning to thaw and the sun was peeking out, a cold snap has moved in, at least where I am. The crippling cold has kept me indoors unless absolutely necessary, but the extra time around the house has facilitated some creativity on different foreplay techniques to try when it’s cold outside.

To get things heated up, Try one or all of these ideas the next time you fool around.

• Hot bath. On a cold night, a hot bath is a great way to get warm and loose. You can take turns in the tub while the other gives their partner a delicious rubdown, or hop in together. Add some essential oils to entice your senses. The hot water will relax your muscles and increase circulation, which will improve your sensitivity to touch.

• Hot wax. Light a scented soy massage candle for mood lighting, aroma, and to create a warm massage oil. Soy candles burn at a lower temperature, so the wax won’t burn. Use the warm wax as a massage oil and rub each other down to heat up things up.

• Hot tea. Before you head to bed, grab a mug of hot tea and experiment with temperature in your sex play. Lick your lover all over after a hot sip of tea.

Try these foreplay tips to keep your sex life hot, at least until Spring arrives.

Photo by Mazintosh on Flickr used under Creative Commons License.

My friend Doug recently wrote about the elusiveness of the female orgasm in contrast to the ease of the male orgasm. I know the statistics on the female orgasm and I’ve heard the personal stories of friends who couldn’t orgasm during intercourse, so I get that it’s a real challenge for both men and women. I just wonder if there isn’t a little mystery that we’re overlooking when it comes to the male orgasm.

The notion that the male orgasm is a given seems unfair. Certainly, it’s not elusive; it can end up on your face, for fuck’s sake. But is it really all that easy, to be taken for granted?

When I first became sexually active in my teens, boys cumming during sex play was as easy and obvious as flannel shirts and Doc Martens. It certainly wasn’t from any skill or technique on my behalf, so I just bought into my proscribed gender role as passive agent in the act. I didn’t have to do much of anything to get him off.

It never really occurred to me that maybe those orgasms, while seemingly easy, weren’t satisfying or dynamic. There was little work, but no big payoff.

It wasn’t until I was with a more communicative partner who had to tell me that he had different kinds of orgasms – good ones, bad ones, deep ones, shallow ones – that I even considered that men had any sexual complexity.

Now, years later, I understand that men and women aren’t as different as we’re led to believe, and that you have to communicate with each other to uncover what really gets the other off. So sit down with your man and ask him what makes him hot; don’t take his orgasm for granted. You might just accomplish a few things:

• Let him know that you care, and that you’re game. Asking him what would bring him more sexual satisfaction lets him know that you care about his physical pleasure, and that you’re open to trying things that may heighten the sexual experience.

• You’ll gain empowerment. Instead of perpetuating the notion that women are passive during sex, take the initiative to find out what will give him a more powerful orgasm. You’ll feel more confident and in control once you assume more responsibility in your sex life.

• You’ll learn a thing or two. You just might learn some new hot spots on him, which will make you a more aware and considerate lover.

Put a little mystery back into the male orgasm and re-learn what you think you know. He’ll be happy that you do.

Doug Dalton is a good friend and guest blogger who happens to be in “new relationship phase,” so of course, we wanted to get the juicy (and awkward) details from him on how it’s going. Doug eats, drinks, and dates in San Francisco, though he is most successful with the drinking.

In my last post on first-time sex with a new partner, I described the male orgasm as a foregone conclusion. For most men, if we’re having sex, then it’s going to happen, and often much sooner then we would prefer, tell our friends, or have led young ladies to believe. Conversely, my experience has been that the female orgasm is no guarantee, and often elusive. Many a woman (how many I care not mention) has not reached orgasm via intercourse with me, but luckily it’s been common enough to spare my ego.

For most men, their own orgasm is important, but bringing a woman to orgasm is also important. It signifies the completion of something and results in a sense of accomplishment and mutual satisfaction. Don’t get me wrong, men are not waiting for Alfred Nobel to show up at the front door, but the idea that something is happening as a direct cause of one’s own actions has a nice quality to it that most people (not just men) can appreciate.

To put it bluntly: making a woman cum is hot, and guys like it. If only it were easy.

Recently I became sexually active with a woman who I have not been able to bring to orgasm via intercourse. This is the result of more than one thing likely; some mix of me and her. Maybe it’s just me, who knows? And that’s the kicker. “Who knows” is the wrong question. “What is the best way for me to work with her to get her to orgasm” is a better question, and the answer will require “a talk.” Communicating about sex is the only way that will lead both you and her to what is hopefully a shared goal.

Waiting to stumble upon the answer will not work. It certainly didn’t work with other women. Save stumbling for your web browser. By having a conversation about her orgasm, a few things can happen.

• You will let her know that you actually care that her physically needs are being met. This alone may make her feel more comfortable and open around you. You may also find she is relieved or excited to talk about it. Neither of those seem like bad things.

• You might get some instruction out of it. Let’s be honest - a road map would be nice. While vaginas are shaped similarly, they don’t all work the same way. And, boy, you can get lost once in a while.

• She might tell you that she can’t orgasm from intercourse alone. Period. That’s not to say it isn’t a worthwhile endeavor, but at least it let’s you know where to prioritize your efforts. That’s why it’s never a bad idea to be good at going down on a woman, and be open to other ways of getting her off.

So that’s what I am going to do – talk to her about it. And if I wasn’t such a pussy, I would even bring it up sober. Luckily for her and the liquor industry, that won’t happen. With any luck, I’ll be writing, “what happens when you make a girl cum too much” soon.

If your idea of a pleasing Valentine’s Day includes snuggling, snacking, and getting scared out of your clothes, then the best date idea for you is . . . Friday the 13th.

Horror movies, while scary and gory, cause a rush of adrenaline. So while horror movies cause most people to feel fear while viewing, that fear and excitement becomes relief and arousal once the movie ends. It causes the so-called “snuggle effect,” which is perfect for Valentine’s Day.

Getting scared might be the best path to getting laid this Valentine’s Day.

Doug Dalton is a good friend and guest blogger who happens to be in “new relationship phase,” so of course, we wanted to get the juicy (and awkward) details from him on how it’s going. Doug eats, drinks, and dates in San Francisco, though is most successful with the drinking.

The background: you have successfully woo’d her. A few nights out for cocktails, a nice dinner or two, and she likes you. Against all odds, you have convinced her that you are not a total scumbag, and that you are sexually attractive or, at least, sexually acceptable (either will do). You have followed the base path taught to you so many years ago, which, while funny, is actually the pattern you follow every time: kissing (french), boob touching, then vagina, and finally sex. This base path is the Esperanto of making out, except it is actually accepted by most.

The setting: Now back at your place (or hers), you are going to do it, for the first time. How do you know when it’s that time? Well…that’s a different post. For the purposes of this, we will assume you are pretty, totally, almost completely positive sex is going to happen.

The challenge: Most every man takes for granted that he is going to cum during sex, and I think most women expect that, too. Beyond this straight-forward biological reality, you have a goal: pleasing her. Pleasing her, though, is actually a complex union of goals that include giving physical pleasure, boosting your ego, exciting her, and making things interesting, all while not horrifying her. For those of you who believe in the cliché that men have a one-track mind, I assure you there is a lot more going on up there than you think.

The analysis:  Since your own pleasure, to some degree, is a given, pleasing her becomes a complicated and even distracting pressure. There are a number of reasons for this, many of them selfish, but all are part of what’s going on in your head during the sexual encounter. Here are some of the reasons pleasing a woman is such a challenge:

• You want her to enjoy it. The first reason is simple – you want her to enjoy it. If she doesn’t like this, then you don’t get to ride again, er, unless you are either rich or one hell of a charismatic motherf*cker. Thus, pleasing her is important and openly intimidating.

• You feel inadequate. Thoughts of inadequacy, while not rushing to the front of your brain, do linger in the background like the guy no one exactly knows at the party who keeps stealing beers from the keg. It might be about size, experience, or endurance. Questions run through your head like, “What was the last guy doing? Was he more fun, more open, more forthcoming physically?” Knowing that you’re probably an average lover and not too much more doesn’t help, even if it does put you in the middle.

• You want to be an amazing lover. Admittedly, this is pure ego, but as a man the concept of satiating a woman to the point of either fainting, gasping for air, or paralytic nirvana is a goal worth attaining, or at least dreaming of attaining. You want her (when she finally comes to) to announce to the world (starting with her friends) exactly what a sexual beast you are.

• You want to stand out. Beyond just pleasing her, you want do something more. You want to give her a little something to separate yourself from the others, as well as to excite yourself.  It could be anything, a solid ass squeeze, rough on the boob grab, nibbling, some sort of hip twist… who knows. But we all do something that, while we wouldn’t call it “patented,” we can recognize as falling onto the “extras” menu. It’s off the base path and hopefully therefore exciting to her and adventurous for you.

• You don’t want to be too “deviant” the first time, though. Is a thumb in the butt too much? Fine, a jaunt off the third base line is great, but might it horrify her? While you want to please her and be exciting, you don’t want to horrify her. There are some things you don’t want to ask; you would rather just do and roll the dice. Maybe she is a gambler, maybe not; finding out can be fun and a bit of mischief.

In the end, when you are both lying on your backs, realizing how late it is and that you are going to have a hangover in the morning, you can look back and reflect. Reflect on an evening that was just like you thought and nothing like you thought. You realize you probably didn’t come close to pleasing her, and the thing you thought was going to be cool and exciting turned out to be blunder-full and awkward. Strangely, you are pretty sure she will have sex with you again. Hopefully someone will write a post “Girl’s Perspective on having sex with a new guy for the SECOND time” because that is the real mystery.