Entries Tagged 'Sex and Relationships' ↓

My real ideal lover (see post below) and semi-silent blog partner, caught in a sort-of cubist iphone pic happy accident. Happy HNT!

Amidst the new beginnings this week, I’ve been thinking about expectations, and in particular the detriment that having unrealistic expectations can have on one’s satisfaction. In my personal life, I can think of one persistent, unrealistic fantasy that shaped much of my expectations about sex, and I think this fantasy is a fairly common one among women. When I was young, I imagined that the ideal lover would know exactly how to please me.

Even before I really knew what sex entailed, I imagined that sex was about me lying there while my sexual soulmate unlocked all the secrets of my body, like I was a friggin’ video game or something. [Insert lover here] would sweep me off my feet, arouse my hidden (shameful?) desires, and then give me perfectly executed orgasms until the sun rose and he made breakfast (I remember a similar description of first time sex on the sitcom Blossom - I love the 90s).

This fantasy, in all its permutations, informed my expectations on what sex was about. In my teens, when a partner was awkward or doing something in a way that wasn’t pleasing, I would just sit there and wonder why he didn’t know what he was doing. It never occurred to me that all I had to do was say, “go slower” or “be more gentle” and I’d get exactly what I wanted. He was supposed to know that.  Instead, when sexual encounters didn’t match the fantasies in my head, I concluded that we were not compatible, and that my soulmate was still out there somewhere.

Over time, I suppose these expectations weren’t totally damaging to my sex life. My definition of sexual compatibility expanded and matured, and I learned to be more pro-active and engaged in my own pleasure. But, embarrassingly, this fantasy is not totally gone. For example, when a hot guy stands next to me in yoga class, I immediately start imagining that he knows all the ways of tantra and could show me how to have orgasms for hours. Like after all these years there’s still some secret sexual experience that I’m not having.

This fantasy, which I don’t believe is unique, shows two things: one, that women want/are conditioned to want to be passive in sexual relationships, and two, that our bodies are mysterious, even to ourselves often.

Figleaf over at Real Adult Sex often discusses the no-sex class, which basically encompasses all the notions that women don’t enjoy sex, and therefore are the gatekeepers of sex, which they dole out for the right economic exchange (my sloppy definition, not his). The fantasy of the all-knowing male lover fits right into this paradigm. The possible origins of this fantasy are many, including watching Dirty Dancing everyday when I was 10, but the outcome is the belief that women have no control or responsibility in their sexual pleasure, and that men are somehow supposed to have all the inside secrets because they like sex.

The other point is that our bodies are more mysterious than men’s. Part of that is biologically determined, and part of it is that as a society we’re so uncomfortable talking about sex, especially women’s sexuality. This isn’t to say that for all men sexual pleasure is easy, and for all women, complicated, but there is a lot of ignorance about female anatomy and how women experience pleasure. I learned where babies come from when I was 5, but I (seriously) didn’t have an accurate understanding of the terms vagina, vulva, clitoris, etc. until like 5 months ago. This ignorance creates a mythology about the female orgasm, and the men who can deliver it (heroes!) and the women who can achieve it (whores!).

I wonder if this fantasy (in whatever form) is as common as I think it is among women, and if there’s an equally common male fantasy shaped by gender norms that creates false expectations about sex. Please share if you have any thoughts.

Admittedly, I’m a little distracted this week. I’m fully swept up in the Obamania. For many of us, he’s the man of our dreams. He is the knight in shining armor come to save us from the past 8 years of the demise of the American Dream. He is The One, our savior, MLK’s dream personified.

Except he is not.

He is an intelligent, articulate, thoughtful, sexy man who is our best shot right now at making things in our country and our world better, which is no small thing. He bears the weight of our hopes and expectations. I just worry that they’ve grown and swelled far beyond the reality of what can be achieved, what one person can deliver. The changes we want to see in this country will take a great leader, but will also take the contribution of every citizen. Obama is no Prince Charming, and the country isn’t a damsel in distress; the longer we believe that we can passively be saved, the harder the heartbreak when the happily ever after doesn’t happen.

I think a parallel can be drawn to our romantic lives. We bring to relationships a set of expectations, often unrealistic, and don’t often understand the work that it takes from both partners to make it work.

As an illustration, let’s imagine that you’re a bright, optimistic, young woman full of dreams and promise when you meet a charming, powerful George W. Bush at a frat party.

You are taken by his swagger and fall for his boyish ways. You’d rather have a beer with him than with the pompous guys in your classes, so you start dating. As your relationship matures, you realize more and more that he is dumb and that his friends are liars and cheaters. He starts bar fights, wracks up debt on your credit cards, and embarrasses you in front of your friends.  When you raise valid relationship problems, he questions your loyalty instead of addressing the concerns. The more you try to fix things, the more indignant and egotistical he gets. Finally, after years of enduring his abuse and neglect, you decide you’re ready to leave, albeit battered, broken, and in far worse shape than you were in when you met him.

Just when you’ve lost all faith in men and relationships, you meet HIM. Obama.

You see him in a coffee shop buying a cup for the homeless guy freezing outside. He is poetic, sensitive, and, yet, has an intensity as he stares at his laptop. When you realize he’s looking at you, you feel sexy and powerful and terribly unworthy. You chat over a latte, and find that he’s attentive, humble, and smart as hell. Butterflies wreak havoc in your stomach as you agree to see him, again and again until the end of time, you say to yourself. You float out of the coffee shop and call all your girlfriends and tell them you’ve found The One. The One that you will make babies, build a home, grow a fortune, and live happily ever after with. Your whole fairytale fantasy suddenly seems possible with this man.

Except . . . it’s not.

After a few dates, you find that he’s still thoughtful, but sometimes distant and busy with work. He brings you soup when you are sick, but can’t make you well. When you complain that he doesn’t call enough, he points out that you never call him. Suddenly he no longer seems perfect, and you have work to do if you want to hang on to this relationship. All of his efforts are less than what you hoped for, and ultimately you are both let down that he can’t fulfill your every expectation. The relationship ends, and your hopes of ever finding love shattered with it.

Does that mean that he wasn’t the one for you? Nope. It just means he wasn’t The One, in the messianic, all-knowing, all-saving sort of way. It’s about having realistic expectations.

Bloggers have discussed ad nauseam the unsurprising study results that found that those who regularly watch romantic comedies were dissatisfied with their love lives. No shit. Romantic comedies, romance novels, and porn - all fairytales in their own right - create false expectations about what love and sex are all about, and what it takes to make it work. So when a perfectly suitable, real-life companion meets you, he or she falls short of those unrealistic expectations. Relationships are much harder than is ever portrayed in our love stories.

I hope we aren’t trying to write Obama: The Fairytale, and instead see this as a mature and viable opportunity to create a mutually beneficial relationship for the sake of making the country better for us. Let’s hope the gap between Obama the man and Obama the Superhero isn’t too vast, or we’ll all be undone by our own great expectations.

I’d like to consider myself a hip and independent wife, but I am not immune to losing my shit. Unfortunately, due to my inherently paranoid nature, I can go from normal to crazy faster than a Ferrari can get to 60 mph. The most recent incident happened over the weekend, when my husband was on the west coast on a business trip, and I was in our new home on the east coast.

The weekend started off well enough. I went to happy hour with friends and thereafter had some Mexican and margaritas. There’s only so much taco and tequila that one girl can handle, and this little lady was ready to head to bed. However, I had not heard from my husband at all. While I was a little annoyed that he hadn’t been more considerate of the time difference, I went to bed worry-free. After a few hours of sleep, I had to pee, and as I groggily stumbled back to bed I thought I should have gotten a call from him by now. Checked my phone to find that, no, he in fact had not called. It was 4:30 am my time, so I started to worry a little bit, because obviously at this point there is a good chance that he is either dead or cheating on me. I was not sure yet which scenario was preferable. I called him, only to get his annoying voicemail. Now I was fucking angry to be inconvenienced by the new anxiety that was setting in. The rest of my morning went something like this:

4:37 am. I try to go back to sleep, consoling myself that bars in San Francisco are in fact not closed yet, and I should be hearing from him any moment.

4:49 am. I start doing the math, and realize the odds are much higher that he is cheating on me than dead.

5:02 am. I recall the sage words of my therapist, and remind myself that I cannot worry about things I cannot control.

5:17 am. I get really fucking annoyed that the likelihood of him missing his 8 am return flight is going up.

5:33 am. I really need to go back to sleep.

5:41 am. I cannot sleep at all. I retrieve my laptop to see if there are any other forms of communication that might give me clues as to where the fuck he is.

5:52 am. My eyes are tired, so I give up and turn off the lights.

5:57 am. The only reasonable explanation I can come up with for him not answering his phone is that he is in a sex dungeon where neither cell phones nor clothes are allowed. I mentally start packing my bags and consider asking my sister if I can move in with her.

6:03 am. I start feeling guilty that I thought he was cheating, because clearly the chances are now higher that he is actually dead. I wonder if his fat friend is smart enough to call me if he is dead.

6:11 am. In a final effort to get back to bed, I let the dogs sleep on his side of the bed and hope they drool on his pillow.

10:14 am. I get a text: “Sorry I didn’t call. I fell asleep on the couch. Miss you.”

10:15 am. I reply: “Eat it.”

10:16 am. I get back: “You’re weird.”

10:17 am. I pull the dogs a little closer, and think of which bagel I’m going to order when I finally get up for reals. Who the fuck falls asleep on the couch when they’re in San Francisco? I married such a lameass.

It’s no secret that we are in particularly stressful times, with a global economy in crisis and a fierce election going on. In our increasingly busy lives in these dire times, we are accumulating more and more stress. Stress is detrimental to our health and overall well-being, including our sex lives. Whether it’s working extra hours or staying “plugged in” to get the latest news updates, people are spending less time connecting with their partners physically and emotionally. Ironically, sex is proven to release endorphins and reduce stress, but it’s usually the first thing to go in times of anxiety. Sex with your partner is healthy, comforting, and free, making it a great past time in trying times.

Here’s how to prioritize sex when you’re stressed:

• Go on a media diet. Unplug. If a big source of your stress is watching the DOW drop every minute, turn it off. The bad news will still be there in a few hours, and you’ll be better able to deal with it after a healthy break. Use that extra time to initiate an intimate moment.

• Expand your definition of sex. If times are too busy or stressful for a luxurious afternoon of lovemaking, you can still connect with your mate and get off. Mutual masturbation, handplay, and oral sex all can be as gratifying and intimate.

• Identify your need for sex. Don’t wait for a wet dream to wake you up. If you can’t remember your last orgasm, then it’s time for another one - STAT! Steal time with your partner anyway you can get it, or go on a solo mission, but get the job done.

• Schedule it. Unromantic, we know, but if you spend most of your day double-booked and over-committed, then you have to schedule it. Sneak sex time in whenever you can, and make the best of it.

• Treat yourself. If you recognize that you’re totally stressed, treat yourself to a sensual pleasure. Maybe it’s new body lotion, or scented candles, or just locking yourself in the bathroom long enough to enjoy some tea. Getting some quality “me time” will relax you, and get you in touch with your body and desires.

• Cuddle. If you’re having rough times, maybe the best thing you can do is give or get a hug. Cuddling with your partner can be comforting, and may be a surprise turn-on.

If your honey has a porn habit that is driving you crazy, put down the weapon and read on. It’s a common frustration for some women to have partners that are really into porn. Many women feel threatened when their man is into looking at other women naked, which is perfectly normal. However, that frustration can destroy your relationship if you don’t come to an understanding about your man and his love for porn. If you have an otherwise healthy sex life, then you really don’t have much to worry about. People in loving, sexual relationships are still entitled to personal sex and fantasy lives.

If the great porn debate is still raging in your home, you can work with your partner to come to a cease-fire. The best course of action is twofold:

1. Ask yourself . . . Before you attack him for his “dirty” porn habits, really be honest with yourself and try to figure out why it makes you mad. What is it about porn that bothers you? Is it jealousy? Is it a sense of lost control? Is it because you think porn is degrading or unrealistic? Answer these questions for yourself and understand your discomfort. The better you understand why porn bothers you, the better able you’ll be able to explain your feelings to him.

2. Talk to him . . . Rather than getting upset and going on offense, explain to him why porn bothers you. Use “I” statements like, “When you look at porn, I feel like I don’t satisfy you sexually.” After you give your side, let him explain to you why he likes it without having to get defensive. If you make it okay for both of you to share your feelings, you’ll probably find that porn is a lot less threatening than it seems, and you both just need to be able to talk about it.

Other Tips for Women Who Dislike Porn

• Play the therapist, not the detective. Don’t go snooping around. Do not try to “catch” him with a porn stash. You’ll only appear crazy, and erode the trust in your relationship further. Instead, take on the role of a therapist, and ask him a lot of open-ended questions. You’ll get a better understanding of why he likes porn, and you’ll keep your trust intact.

• Create your own. If you don’t like him looking at other women naked, then make your own porn together. You can either take pictures or video. You can even splurge and go to a photographer that specializes in boudoir pics. Make sure, of course, that before you proceed you are in a trusted situation in which the “home video” won’t end up in the wrong hands.

• Turn the tables on yourself. Push yourself to be a little more accepting. Part of being in a relationship is learning about and accepting someone who isn’t exactly like you.

• Accept that porn is part of the equation - negotiate how. The fact is that if your guy is into porn, no matter what he says, he will go back to it. Accept that porn is something he likes on his own and that doesn’t have anything to do with you. While you will not likely succeed in getting him to never look at porn again, you can ask that there be guidelines you both respect. For example, you might agree that he only looks at porn when you’re not home, or that he is extra careful in hiding his porn habits so you don’t have to think about it.

What side are you on in the porn debate? Leave a comment or a tip on how you’ve been able deal with porn in your relationship.