Valentine’s Day Music Awards

I missed the Grammy’s last night since I don’t have cable, so I decided to make some up music awards all on my own. In honor of Valentine’s Day this week, I’ve come up with some sexy, romantic, and rocking tunes to get your groove on to.

And the award goes to . . .

Best Overall Sex Song for Hipsters: Sex is on Fire, Kings of Leon. Lyrics like, “If it’s not forever, if it’s just tonight/ Oh, it’s still the greatest,” make this the perfect all-occasion sex song. You can play it for a lover, play it for a fling, or play it to the partner you think gave you chlamydia (er, your sex is on FIRE).

Best Determined Unrequited Love(r) Song: I Will Possess Your Heart, Death Cab for Cutie. If stalking is at the top of your Valentine’s Day plans, then this tune is perfect for you. Gibbard sings, “You reject my advances and desperate pleas/ I won’t let you let me down so easily” with such tenderness, it’s almost not creepy.

Best Sex with Lava Lamp On Song: Electric Feel, MGMT. This trippy, poppy track can make you want to f*ck and dance at the same time. I suggest you start stripping when you get to the line, “Standing there with nothing on/ she gonna teach me how to swim.”

Best Booty Call from the Club Song: Lollipop, Lil Wayne. This song is great for grinding in the club, or for groups of girls to dance suggestively to while fellating their beer bottles. Either way, this groove could pave the way for a booty call or extra lover on the side. Just remember, “Call me so I can make it juicy fo ya.”

Best Stranded On An Island Song: I’m Yours, Jason Mraz. While this genre isn’t exactly my cup of tea, I would totally listen to this song if my Valentine’s Day plans included a getaway to the Caribbean. Imagine relaxing in the sun on the beach with your lover, margaritas in hand, and hearing “Scooch on over closer dear/ And I will nibble your ear.” That’ll do.